


Becoming Mike

by LoveMeSomeRafael



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Dorisi, I'll give Mike a personality and a life since the SVU writers didn't, M/M, Mike Dodds Lives, Smut, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-14 01:37:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21007571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveMeSomeRafael/pseuds/LoveMeSomeRafael
Summary: Mike Dodds had no idea when he accepted the job as the new Sergeant for Manhattan SVU that he'd be blindsided by meeting Sonny Carisi.  Sonny is the man of Mike's dreams, and absolutely off-limits.  At least, as far as Mike is concerned.  Sonny has other ideas.





	1. Blindsided

All Mike Dodds ever wanted to be was the lead singer in a band. All his father ever wanted Mike to be was Commissioner of the NYPD. So Mike was Mick Jagger in the shower and William Dodds’ son at work. Very, very seldom was he Sergeant Dodds, and even more seldom did he get to be Mike. 

That wasn’t going to change anytime soon, because he’d just accepted a position with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. Why? Because he wanted the job? Oh, hell no. He _didn’t_ want the job. He wanted to be Mick Jagger. And if he had to be a cop, he’d much rather be ESU; something where he could run around with big-ass weapons and play with man toys like he’d done when he was Special Forces. Actually, his time in the Army - although like everything else, that had been his father’s idea – was the time when he’d been the most himself. Because he wasn’t in New York. He wasn’t under his father’s wing, or in his shadow. Nobody at Fort Bragg or any of the places Mike had been stationed knew William Dodds from Adam, and nobody cared. It was as close to happy as he’d ever been. 

But. 

Mike was on his father’s “five-year plan” to success – success as defined by William, not Mike – and that plan involved Mike taking the job with SVU. But only as a bridge to the next move Mike didn’t want, which was the Joint Terrorism Task Force. So Mike had found himself on an elevator, standing next to his father, who would now also be his Chief, about to meet Lieutenant Benson, his new boss. He would have given anything to be able to walk into the Manhattan SVU squad room without being escorted by his father as though it was his first day of kindergarten, but he wanted a lot of things where his father was concerned. He was very used to not getting them.

As always, his father bragged about Mike’s accomplishments, as Mike tried his best to stop him without making a thing of it. Mike liked Olivia Benson. His father had told Mike she gave him heartburn, which was always a good thing in Mike’s book. And, standing with the two of them, he could see that the heartburn was mutual. 

Mike had rarely given his father heartburn. One of the few times was when he’d refused to go into the Police Academy straight from Special Forces. He’d seen and done some things he needed to think about for a while, and after the experience of being just Mike, rather than William Dodds’ son, for the first time, he was not eager to give that up. Besides, he still had his music dreams, and it wasn’t too late. So he’d taken a job at a bar in Hell’s Kitchen and gotten very serious about his guitars. His father, of course, had been livid. He’d even shown up at Lucky’s to berate Mike and try to shame him into submission but, for the first time in his life, Mike had told his father to go to hell. He’d threatened to cut all ties with his father, and he’d meant it. 

To his credit, William Dodds loved his son. He truly was as proud of Mike as he claimed to be. In William’s eyes, Mike could do anything he set out to do. Mike was all he had left; Ingrid had left him and taken Matthew, so William had poured all his love and care into raising Mike and making him everything he could be. It simply never occurred to him that what Mike _could_ be wasn’t necessarily what Mike _wanted_ to be. And it never occurred to him to ask what Mike wanted. 

So Mike had spent a year as a bartender and wannabe rock star. It had been a good year. He hadn’t made it big, but he’d discovered a lot of things about himself. That included learning that he actually liked a little more structure in his life than bartending provided, and that he actually liked men more than he did women. In the Army, especially Special Forces, he just found it much easier to go along with the macho culture and date only women. His few short, intense affairs with men were on the down-low and of very short duration. But it was easy to be a bisexual bartender in Hell’s Kitchen, and Mike found that when he was free to screw whoever he wanted, he wanted men. He realized that he had been settling for women because it was easier, and he was no longer interested in doing that. He didn’t worry too much about the label; in Mike’s experience, labels were more a matter of convenient shorthand about possibilities than accurate descriptions of something as complex as sexuality. But he decided that “gay” was closer to his truth than “bi”.

He had absolutely no interest in trying to deal with his father on that issue. He could only imagine what that would be like, and he just couldn’t be bothered. He was well over thirty and they lived in a massive metropolis. Mike’s father never met his dates. If and when he ever fell in love, that would be the time to come out to his father. Until then, what was the point? Whenever his father asked about his love life, he played the pronoun game and changed the subject as soon as possible. 

His desire for a life with a bit more structure to it, however, he did discuss with his father. Mike was ready to be done with the bohemian life of a guitar-obsessed bartender and pick up the reins of his life. He realized that meant climbing back under William’s wing, but he also realized he was fortunate to have a father who could launch him successfully on a career with the NYPD. He’d been willing to pay the price of putting himself squarely in his father’s shadow. After the Academy, he’d been assigned to Anti-Crime in Crown Heights and had distinguished himself there, working up the career ladder (with no small amount of help from William) to achieve the rank of Sergeant. But that wasn’t good enough for Mike’s father. 

Which is why Mike found himself standing in Lieutenant Benson’s office when Detective Rollins came in to let the Lieutenant know they’d caught a rape call at a hotel. Benson made ready to go to the scene, which would have been a graceful way for Chief Dodds to make his own exit and let Mike get on with meeting his squad and settling in. But no. As though arranging for him to go on a field trip, the Chief had “suggested” to Lieutenant Benson that she should take Mike along to the crime scene. Having no choice, she’d agreed. 

And that’s where Mike had first seen Sonny Carisi.

Carisi had been in the squad room when Mike had first entered, but his father had propelled Mike into the Lieutenant’s office too fast to notice any of the detectives as he passed them. Which seemed impossible to him now, when Mike couldn’t imagine ever being in a room where Sonny was and not being absolutely, utterly aware of him. But that’s what had happened.

Arriving at the hotel, Mike and Lieutenant Benson had stepped off the elevator into a hallway where several cops were standing, a few speaking quietly with one another, a couple others interviewing witnesses. And at the end of the hall, just before it turned a corner, stood the two members of his squad Mike hadn’t yet met. He was introduced to Fin Tutuola and Sonny Carisi, and probably shook hands and muttered some pro forma words of greeting. But he didn’t know, because of the thudding of his heartbeat in his ears and his complete inability to see anything but Sonny. 

Mike had a type. Mike definitely had a type. He was tall with a boxer’s body: hard muscle everywhere, with a small waist, broad chest and thick, muscular arms. He wasn’t looking for a man built like he was. The men who caught Mike’s attention were the ones with long, thin limbs they didn’t seem to know quite what to do with. Men who moved a certain way that just _did_ something to Mike’s insides. He also had a thing for light eyes. He appreciated any guy with pretty eyes, but there were certain men whose eyes captivated him. Sonny Carisi checked both Mike’s major boxes. And then there was everything else.

Where to start? Probably the first thing Mike noticed after Sonny’s eyes were his lips as he briefed Benson and Dodds on what they knew so far. Mike didn’t think he heard one word. He just watched those lips and imagined what they would feel like to touch, to kiss... At one point, Sonny had smiled briefly, and Mike could actually _feel_ his smile. Sonny’s mouth was a weapon. Mike wondered whether he knew that. Actually, Mike was wrong in thinking he hadn’t heard what Sonny said. He must have, because he noticed the accent. Mike had never known a Staten Island accent could be sexy. In fact, he’d have sworn it couldn’t be. He’d been wrong about that, too. Over time, Sonny Carisi would teach Mike Dodds he’d been wrong about a lot of things. 

The jury was out on Sonny’s hair. It definitely worked for Sonny, but Mike liked to run his hands through a lover’s hair, and he didn’t want to end up with his hands feeling like they’d been visited by the Exxon Valdez. But if he got Sonny in a shower, he could wash all that stuff out, and then…

Mike tried to keep his head in the game. It was his first crime scene on his first day with SVU. When Benson told Fin and Carisi to get the security footage, Mike remembered that the head of hotel security was a friend of his father’s, so in his eagerness to be helpful and fit in with the team, he’d suggested that they could drop his name. Big mistake. In a handful of syllables, Fin made it abundantly clear that he didn’t appreciate the suggestion. Mike couldn’t even think about looking at Sonny. He didn’t want to see his reaction. 

He hadn’t seen this coming. The possibility that he would walk into this new job, a job he hadn’t even wanted, and be hit between the eyes by a man like Sonny Carisi had never crossed his mind. But here he was. And at this moment, he didn’t have time to figure out the implications. He had a job to do. In fact, when they’d returned to the station, Benson had assigned him and Carisi to interrogate the suspect together.  


Thank God Dodds was Special Forces and knew how to focus his mind for a mission. Focusing his mind for a mission had never before involved jacking off, but each mission was different. When he was about to spend God knew how long in a small room around a small table with the most beguiling man he’d ever seen, it was mission critical. 

As it happened, Mike and Sonny worked well together. During the interrogation, and during the shakedown at a motel that followed, their styles and instincts meshed from the beginning. It felt as though they’d worked together for years. Mike was relieved and found himself looking forward to working with Sonny from a purely professional point of view. He was concerned about Amanda Rollins, who appeared to be a hot mess. But it was obvious that he was meeting her at a particularly bad time, very pregnant and dealing with family issues from hell, so he decided to reserve judgment and even recommended that Lieutenant Benson cut her some slack. Detective Tutuola clearly resented Mike’s presence and completely distrusted him. Mike had expected that. He’d seen it before, even when his father wasn’t the Deputy Chief over Mike’s particular division. 

So it shouldn’t have bothered him when he caught a couple of looks between Fin and Sonny that clearly told him Sonny didn’t trust Mike, either. Nor should Sonny’s muttered comment to Amanda about being careful what she said around Mike. But both bothered him quite a bit. Professionally, he got it. Personally, the idea that this beautiful man thought he was a rat punched him in the gut.  


Mike was exhausted when he finally made it to his small, utilitarian apartment and collapsed onto his bed still in his suit. Had it really only been the first day? It felt like it had lasted a month. And what the hell was he going to do with Sonny Carisi? Well, the answer to _that_ question was obvious. He wasn’t going to do _anything_ with him. He was Carisi’s direct superior. The real question was what he was going to do _about_ Carisi. 

He lay there, staring up at the ceiling and trying to catch one of the million thoughts running through his head and follow it. Benson had called him on about a thousand mistakes. That was humiliating, sure, but it was also Day One. And he appreciated a boss who simply gave it to him straight and in the moment. That, he could definitely work with. His dad had been embarrassing as fuck, escorting him in and then coming by at the end of the day for a parent/teacher conference. But that was life on Planet Mike. The case was twisty and interesting, especially the mind fuck of finding out the escort had been Rollins’ sister, and then the sister stabbing her pimp in the junk. Adam’s balls, if this was what every day in SVU was going to be like, Mike was going to need to start taking more vitamins. Maybe he should get some of those vile little energy drinks to keep in his desk, just in case. 

Mike tried to ignore the part of him that couldn’t wait to see Carisi the next morning. Like an idiot teenage girl, he found himself on the subway wondering what Sonny was going to wear, for fuck’s sake. He needed to get over this crush, and quickly. Maybe a couple of days, or a week, and he’d be over that body, and those eyes, and that mouth… 

Then again, maybe not. The first thing Sonny did when Mike arrived was present him with a cup of coffee from the cart outside the station, and smile at him. At thirty-plus, Mike didn’t often get involuntary wood, but _damn_, the little creases around Sonny’s eyes when he smiled! And those fucking _dimples_… Mike wondered whether this was going to be a real problem. He’d had a hundred crushes before, but _this_ was on another level. And the fact that not only was Carisi a good detective but apparently thoughtful of the new guy, too, was disturbing. Very, very disturbing.

Mike’s second day was a bit less of a wild ride than the first had been. He managed to have a real conversation with Detective Tutuola, which was a step in the right direction, although he could tell it was going to take a very long time for that relationship to thaw. He was willing to put in the time. He’d done his homework before beginning at SVU, as he always did, and he knew Tutuola was well worth the investment of building some kind of working rapport. He had a thick file of commendations, and the case records Mike had studied showed he handled undercover frequently and expertly. Besides which, Mike just liked Fin. He appreciated a guy who could think fast enough on his feet to toss off the one-liners he did and, like Olivia, Fin was straight up about what he was thinking. 

When Olivia and Amanda had gone to the courthouse where Amanda’s sister was being arraigned, and Carisi was out of the squad room following up on another case, Mike had taken the opportunity to step over to Fin’s desk and sit in the visitor’s chair next to it. 

Fin looked over at him, his face giving nothing away. 

“Detective Tutuola, I-“

“Fin.”

“Fin. I did my homework before taking this job, and I wanted to let you know, in case you wondered, that I know your record. It’s impressive as hell.”

Fin said nothing, nor did he change expression.

“The other thing I wanted to do is acknowledge the elephant in the room. You don’t know me. But you do know my dad, which is not a good thing. I’m aware that there’s been some tension between him and this unit, and I’ve known my dad for a while now. I can imagine the kind of things that have gone down. So if I’m you, I’m thinking things just went from bad to worse, because now you got my dad in your face 24/7 in the form of his kid. Am I right?”

“You’re right,” Fin said, nodding slightly, in the same tone of voice he’d use to agree with Mike that it was daytime. 

“That’s not how it is. My loyalties lie with my unit. Always. I wouldn’t believe me, and I don’t expect you to just take my word. But I’ve got a lot of respect for you. I know you were Rangers, and being ex-Special Forces myself, I got mad respect for that, on top of your police work. You’re a man whose respect I’d like to have, and I intend to earn it. I just thought I’d let you know.”

Fin again nodded slightly. Mike got up and went back to his desk, hoping that at least acknowledging the situation was a start. 

It was. Fin thought that Chief Dodds would never have bothered with such a conversation, let alone show his cards like that. He certainly wouldn’t have said he wanted to earn Fin’s respect; he simply demanded it as his due. Maybe Sergeant Dodds wasn’t quite as much of a dick in a starched shirt. But Fin would let the Sergeant’s actions do the talking. He wasn’t in the habit of taking anyone at their word. 

The case they caught was an ugly one. Mike and Fin responded to a flat in Chelsea where a woman had been murdered, with definite evidence of sexual assault. Mike had worked any number of murder scenes, and something about the act of murder always pissed him off – his need to find and collar the murderer had always been more about justice for taking a life, rather than getting a win. But this- the vic yesterday had been bad enough. It was difficult and disturbing to hear her statement – no, it’s called a disclosure when it’s a rape, Mike reminded himself – and it had raised in him the same level of anger as a murder, but of a different type. Now, today, the idea that this woman had been sexually brutalized before being killed aroused in Mike a combination of those two reactions that he could feel somewhere in his chest.  


“You with me, Sarge?” Fin asked quietly and not without a note of kindness.

“Yeah. This just pisses me off, is all. Murder is one thing. This is a whole other floor of the building.”

“I’d tell you that you get used to it, but I’d be lyin’.”

“Roger that.”

They went to work. Carisi joined them when he could, and together the three worked the scene, supervising the CSU techs, conferring with the Medical Examiner, and interviewing witnesses until the early evening.  


When they had finished, they braved the various smells that assailed them on the stairway, Fin in the lead, Dodds next, and Carisi in the rear. 

“Sarge, I’m guessin’ the squad car you’re in is signed out to Fin, amirite?” Carisi asked as they descended.

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“They always are,” Sonny smiled. “You’ll learn quick enough that no one drives Fin but Fin. You wanna ride back with me?”

Mike felt a swirl of tingles in the pit of his stomach. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

As Carisi pulled out of his parking space, Mike noticed that his legs were so long that his knees actually bracketed the bottom of the steering wheel. Mike was actually taller by a couple inches, but apparently Carisi didn’t like the seat back far enough to stretch out the way Mike did. That should not have been sexy. The way his hands looked on the steering wheel, however, was just objectively, scientifically sexy and Mike didn’t question it. He did look away, however, because he could feel himself responding to just the sight of those hands, and he had to clamp down when his mind naturally went screaming to thoughts of how they would feel on him. 

“Was there a particular reason you wanted me to ride with you, Carisi?” He asked, hoping like hell Sonny would distract him with a question or some advice or something.

Sonny shrugged. “Not really. I guess I just wanted to get a chance to get to know each other a little is all. This unit’s pretty small, and we all gotta have each other’s backs. So, you know, we need to know each other, know how each other thinks. That’s all.” 

“Yeah, I got you. So what do you want to know?”

Sonny grinned and shot Mike a look that had Mike repositioning himself in the seat. “I dunno. I didn’t prepare a questionnaire or anything.”

“I did have a conversation with Fin earlier that maybe I should have with you, too. I told him that my loyalties lie with the unit, with SVU. I get what you all must think, me being the Chief’s son and all. And I get that it’s gonna take some time to be able to trust me. But you can. I’m not my father’s spy at SVU.”

“Nobody’s saying you are,” Sonny said. 

“Oh, brother,” Mike gave a short laugh. “I don’t know how you’ve done as well as you have undercover, if you can’t lie any better than that.”

Mike wished he’d been looking somewhere else when Sonny laughed at that. That crinkly-eyed, dimpled smile was going to be the death of him. He changed the subject.

“So you got any words of wisdom for the new guy? My father says the smartest thing you can do in a new assignment is learn all you can from the people who’ve been there a while.”

Sonny hesitated. His open face clearly showed that he did have something he wanted to say.

“What?” Mike prompted.

“It’s just… No offense, but you oughtta take the phrase ‘my father says’ outta your vocabulary, at least around SVU.” Sonny glanced briefly over to see how Mike took that.

Mike nodded, looking out the passenger window. “You’re not the first person to say that,” he admitted.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knockin’ your dad.”

“I didn’t take it that way.”

“And I look up to my dad a lot, so I get that, too. It’s just… this situation…”

“Right. Got it. And thanks. I appreciate your candor.”

They talked about SVU, the other detectives, and Lieutenant Benson for the rest of the drive back to the station.

  


Later, alone in his dingy little apartment sipping a beer and staring at something on ESPN without really seeing it, Mike thought about that conversation. About his relationship with his father. At bottom, Mike loved his dad. He respected him. He understood who his dad was and, for the most part, he liked the man. But he knew his father was abrasive in a way that was part stereotypical New Yorker, part uniquely William Dodds. He knew that his father was an ambitious, political animal who thought strategically at all times and in all situations. But he was just as ambitious for Mike as he was for himself, and Mike knew in his soul that that was about Mike, not himself. Mike had certainly known parents whose ambitions for their children, and pride in their accomplishments, existed only for the greater glory of the parents. That wasn’t William Dodds. William Dodds was simply a man who loved his son by pushing him, driving him toward ever-greater successes. That was his way of showing love. Mike got it, and he loved his dad for it. 

He also hated the hell out of him for it. 

When his phone vibrated on the coffee table at his feet, Mike knew without looking that it was his father.

“Hey, Dad,” he answered.

“So? How’d your second day go?” 

“Caught a rape and murder in Chelsea. Wasn’t pretty.”

“I heard. And I heard you were pretty on top of things at the scene.”

“Shit, Dad, are we gonna have this conversation again? I cannot succeed in the NYPD if my father’s constantly coming in behind me demanding praise for the job I’m doing.” Mike had long ago stopped noting that it also bugged the fuck out of him. William Dodds didn’t even hear him say that. But he did hear anything that might be a hindrance to Mike’s career.

“That’s not how it was, Son. I just happened to run into Maury Kaplan from Homicide, and he mentioned he’d seen you there. He offered the praise, I didn’t ask for it.”

“OK, Dad. I appreciate it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with pointing out the job you’re doing. That’s how you get noticed. A shrinking violet doesn’t make Lieutenant, Son.”

“Yeah, I get that. But I don’t need a publicist. People resent that, Dad.”

“Aw, they’re just jealous because you’re a rising star.”

“Look, we’ve been through this a million times, let’s not rehash it. But you told me to sink or swim at SVU. Just… don’t tie a rock around my neck, huh?”

“All right, Mike. All right. I just wanted to check in, see how your second day went.”

They discussed the day for a few minutes, and eventually said good night. 

At the end of the week, the team went to Steve’s Place, a cop bar that was between the station house and Mike’s apartment. Mike had been there many times. It was very convenient because it was walking distance from home, and just enough of a walk that it cleared his head a little on the way on those rare occasions when he overindulged. 

The conversation was light and friendly. Mike was pleasantly surprised that Rollins came with them, having expected that she’d be exhausted after a day at work, as pregnant as she was. It was a nice chance to get to know the squad as people, and let them see who he was, as well. He made a point not to mention his father even once. He figured it was a good thing that the squad even wanted to have a drink with him, given that they all thought he was more or less a mole. He wanted to use the opportunity to make a little progress with them. 

They all stood outside Steve’s and said their goodbyes, then Mike put his hands in his pockets and headed up the street toward his apartment. As he passed the empty storefront next door to the bar, Sonny stepped up to walk beside him.

“You live around here, Sarge?”

“Yeah, about eight blocks uptown. You?”

“Yeah, I’m just off of 2nd and 12th.”

“Shit, Carisi, that’s about three blocks from me. Guess we’re neighbors.”

“Guess we’re government employees who can’t afford a better neighborhood.”

“I heard that.”

Mike wasn’t particularly bothered by this new information. New Yorkers who lived on the same block could go a lifetime without meeting. In fact, it could be convenient that the two of them lived near one another if the squad had to pick both of them up to go to a scene sometime. 

He noticed the way Carisi walked, essentially throwing one leg out in front of the other. Their strides matched pretty well, and they ate up the blocks quickly, making small talk and occasionally finding something to laugh about. A couple of times, their hands touched as they walked, each time sending a jolt of electricity up Mike’s arm and to his guts. He wasn’t drunk by any stretch, but Mike reminded himself not to say or do anything that might betray his interest in Sonny as a man. He thought they could become good friends if he could just shake off this ridiculous crush. He no longer expected it to go away in a week, but he hoped it would eventually wear off. Not only because he couldn’t do anything about it, but because he was on his way to really appreciating Sonny as a cop, and liking him as a person. 

It occurred to Mike to wonder whether Sonny might be straight. That would make things easy. He’d certainly made it clear that he had no issues where sexual orientation was concerned, but Sonny might still be one of those men who gave off gay vibes while being entirely straight. Mike hoped so. 

They reached the corner where Mike had to turn off. They stopped briefly on the corner, standing finishing the conversation they were having about Rollins’s family problems. Standing there in the nighttime glow of the city, Sonny looked beautiful. Mike purposely took a step back to make sure he wouldn’t get too close and do something catastrophic.  


And Sonny closed the distance again.

Mike wondered whether he’d done it intentionally. He could imagine that Sonny was making a bit more eye contact than a normal, casual conversation between coworkers would warrant, but then Mike _wanted_ to imagine that. He also _didn’t_ want to, but that wasn’t in his control. He was a man with a bad crush, and Sonny was a fucking _snack_ to look at. Not to mention a good cop and a guy Mike could be friends with.  


Mike couldn’t help it. He’d had just enough beer to make a slightly risky decision. He stood his ground, just waiting to see what Sonny would do as they talked. He’d played this game a million times; it was one of the ways Mike could determine whether a guy was interested. If they stood just a bit too close, if they touched him in a supposedly casual way… 

Sonny did both of those things. 

Fuck. Mike Dodds might just have found himself in serious trouble. He ended the conversation as quickly as he could and strode home as fast as his legs would take him.


	2. Someone You Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike Dodds, now having been at SVU for two months, finds himself with a lot to learn, and a lot to process. His growing friendship with Sonny Carisi is an increasingly valuable source of support. And his growing attraction to Sonny is an increasingly problematic source of discomfort.

After two months at SVU, Mike Dodds knew two things. First, he knew that all of his preconceptions about investigating sex crimes had been wrong. Second, he knew that his crush on Sonny Carisi was not going away anytime soon.

Mike thought he had learned never to take a story at face value, and he thought he knew how to pick his battles. At SVU, however, he saw a level of deceit and complex motives that he’d never seen at Anti-Crime. Of course, every suspect in a street crime lied, but their lies were simple, and so were their motives. “I didn’t do it.” “The drugs aren’t mine.” “I don’t know that person.” And the victims rarely lied. With sex crimes, _everybody_ lied, and they did so for so many reasons that the only way to deal with it was to disbelieve _everything_ until it was proven. Benson wouldn’t put it quite like that. For her, the crime happened exactly as the victim said it did until proven otherwise. But even she was fully aware that the story the victim told was rarely complete, and often inaccurate. 

Mike was still trying to figure out the landscape, but what he did know was that Benson was right to resent his father’s jaded and politically-motivated approach. Part of Chief Dodds’ job was to manage the headlines, and Mike understood that. But Mike’s job, and that of his unit, was to figure out what happened, and punish the criminals. And with sex crimes, that was very, very messy most of the time. So Mike was learning that some battles were worth fighting, even though the victory might not be what he wished, and might not make good headlines. He now understood, for example, why Benson had been so determined to work the Lane Baker case, even against Mike’s advice, born of painful experience, about insular religious communities making finding the truth almost impossible. Chief Dodds would have agreed with his son about dropping that case. And they would both have been wrong. Although that victory had made uncomfortable headlines, and had been greatly complicated by the circumstances, it had been worth it.

All that was making things weird with his dad. When they talked, which was fairly frequently, Mike’s father wanted to talk about their cases. Wanted to talk about decisions Benson had made. Wanted to talk about things the squad did. Mike didn’t want to stonewall – after all, his dad was also his Deputy Chief – but two things held him back. First and foremost, Mike was not the mole they the squad had suspected he was, and that his father wanted him to be. Second, Mike himself wasn’t sure how he felt about a lot of things at SVU, and his father the Chief was not the person with whom to work through that. 

Sonny Carisi was. Mike and Sonny had become legitimate friends. Mike’s attraction aside, they could talk to each other. Sonny _got_ Mike. They had similar experiences as cops, and they daily discovered new things in common. Mike couldn’t help but like the slight tinge of hero worship in the way Sonny looked at him, yet Sonny was comfortable enough with Mike to rib him from time to time, and he wasn’t afraid to offer advice and even occasional constructive criticism. Mike appreciated that. He wasn’t egotistical, or stupid, enough to be unwilling to listen to a more experienced SVU member. One of the best things about their relationship was the amount of laughter it involved. Even when things got ugly, not an infrequent occurrence in SVU, Sonny could lighten the moment with a joke or by making a face. 

Which meant that Mike found himself talking to Sonny over beers more often than he would ever have expected during that first week, and really more than he should. Not only because he was attracted to Sonny. That he could handle. He just had to stay hands off, and keep his mind tightly controlled when they were together. But because he was Sonny’s superior officer, and there was an appropriate distance to be kept there, too. Mike’s own command philosophy told him that he shouldn’t be bonding this closely with a subordinate, but there was simply a natural affinity between him and Sonny that drew them together. 

Since that first Friday night, when Mike had been almost sure Sonny was sending him signals, there had been several other moments between them. Moments when Sonny stood too close, or sat with their legs touching, or gave Mike what felt like a special smile that meant… something. It felt to Mike as though Sonny took every occasion to fist-bump him, bump forearms, clap him on the shoulder or even give him a one-armed hug. Sonny sometimes said things that Mike could interpret more than one way. It felt as if Sonny was just waiting for Mike to make a move. Which, of course, Mike _wanted_ to be the case, but he couldn’t act on it even if it was, so he told himself it was just his horny imagination.

Mike’s horny imagination had become a problem. He really had to stop thinking about Sonny when he was getting himself off. If anyone knew how many times Mike had hissed Sonny’s name as he came… Mike had thought that the answer might be to meet a man who looked like Sonny. The problem, of course, was that no other man looked like Sonny. He’d searched for guys who at least reminded him of Sonny, and brought a couple home, but it was no good. He could close his eyes and imagine it was Sonny he was fucking, but he wanted more than just to fuck Sonny. He wanted _Sonny_. So as soon as it was over, all he wanted was for them to leave him alone with his shame and frustration. 

****************

From the moment Carisi had pulled the moving blanket back from Lily Evans’s face, the case had been rough on Mike. She was a child. Just a kid with a nice family and a budding wild streak, like any other fifteen-year-old girl. Mike had seen any number of dead bodies and gruesome crime scenes, but something about that little girl, wrapped in a blanket and looking like she was asleep, left among the trash under an overpass, was as wrong as anything he had ever seen in his life.

And it only got worse when he learned that she might still have been alive when Mike had been interviewing the parents and pushing for the squad to drop the case because there was no reason to believe she was anything but a runaway, and maybe not even that. It was Mike’s fault. If he’d been less dismissive, moved faster…

The squad had followed where the evidence led, and chased down the string of women with whom one man had fathered several illegitimate sons, to the killer. But even getting the bastard didn’t help assuage Mike’s guilt, or the feeling of bleak despair that threatened to overwhelm him. He’d talked Olivia into letting him interrogate the killer, Gary Ryan, in an attempt to find out why he’d done it. Olivia had warned him it wouldn’t help, and she’d been right. It had only made Mike feel worse to find out that it was more or less just a horrible series of bad choices by Ryan and there _was_ no why. And then she had confirmed Mike’s sense that Lily’s parents would never recover from the loss of their little girl. One life ended and another three destroyed, for no reason. Because a guy had done something stupid and panicked, following it up with a series of progressively more desperate and idiotic moves that ended up here. It was all so pointless.

This case had been tough on all of them. In a characteristic move, Carisi had offered to make dinner for the squad at Amanda’s apartment, to give them a reason to laugh and provide Amanda some relief from the sheer boredom of being on bedrest. Mike felt a wave of warmth, watching the squad taking care of each other, but he couldn’t imagine going with them. He needed to stay at his desk. He needed to do something to wipe out the sense of helpless rage he felt, and working to get justice for other victims seemed like the only option.

Olivia Benson understood. She’d been there too many times to count. So she told Fin and Carisi to go ahead and hung back to talk to Dodds. She tried to choose her words carefully, so as not to add to his sense of helplessness or despair, but she needed to stop him from making the same mistake she had. He couldn’t work his way through it. Burying himself in even more human misery was the wrong answer. The only right answer was to leave it behind. To remind himself that there was joy and goodness in the world.

In the end, her advice to him was simple. “Go home. Talk to somebody you love.”

She left him then, to take her advice or not. For a moment, he teetered on the edge of indecision. When she’d said that, the face that had come instantly to Mike’s mind, the person he wanted most to talk to about what he was feeling, was Sonny. Maybe he couldn’t ask Sonny to hold him and tell him everything would be OK, but he could at least be with him, and the rest of the squad, every one of whom understood what he was feeling. He stood up from his chair and jogged across the squad room to catch up with Olivia.

Amanda’s apartment was small and homey, and it took Carisi no time at all to have it smelling wonderful. Mike drank the first glass of the red wine he and Olivia had picked up on the way, just listening to everyone chatting and laughing, and considering that each of them had been where he was now. He realized he was starting to be a part of this team, and he liked the feeling. The wine helped, too. When his glass was empty, he went into the kitchen to get a refill.

Sonny was in full-on Italian cook mode, in his shirtsleeves with an apron tied around his waist. He looked graceful and natural as he moved around, seemingly doing eight things at once, and Mike just stood for a moment, leaning against the doorframe and watching him. Sonny tossed a handful of some herb he’d just diced into a pot of aromatic red sauce, stirred it in, and picked up his wineglass. Stepping over to Mike, he lifted it in a toast. 

“What are we drinking to?” Mike asked.

“Dinner with friends,” Sonny answered, keeping eye contact with Mike over the rim of his glass as he drank. Mike did the same. As they lowered their glasses, they didn’t look away. Suddenly, Mike was having trouble remembering how to breathe. Was this… Was he… 

“You OK?” Sonny leaned toward Mike just a bit, and his voice was low and soft. 

“I will be,” Mike answered, still looking into those hypnotic eyes. He couldn’t decide exactly what color they were. Sometimes they were as blue as the sky, and sometimes, like now, they were almost green. 

“I’m here, if you wanna talk.” Sonny put a hand on Mike’s shoulder, squeezing just a little before letting his hand glide gently down his forearm for a few inches before removing it. 

Mike gulped. His cock was suddenly wide awake. “Thanks. Liv says I should talk to someone I… trust.”

“Tell ya’ what. Go out there and get Fin to tell you some of his stories from when he was with Narcotics. He’s got some that’ll have you peein’ your pants. And then get Amanda to bitch about bein’ pregnant. You need some laughs right now. After dinner, we can talk on the walk home. All right?”

“Sure. Sounds good.”

Sonny stood there, close enough that the hairs on Mike’s arms stood up, looking into Mike’s eyes for just a few beats longer. Then he grinned and turned back to his cooking. Mike took a very large drink of his wine, refilled his glass, and went back out to the living room.

Two hours later, Mike was a little drunk and a lot full, Amanda was falling asleep on her couch, and everyone decided it was time to go home. Olivia and Fin shared a cab, and Mike and Sonny set out toward their neighborhood. 

“Tell me,” Sonny said simply, after they’d walked about half a block in silence.

Mike took a moment to respond. “It’s fucked up. The whole thing. She was just a little girl. One minute she’s at school, swimming, and the next she’s lying dead, surrounded by a bunch of trash cans. Her parents’ lives are destroyed, and for what? Because some brain-dead loser decided to make a pass at a kid way too young for him, and then lost it when things went wrong. I just… I don’t know how to make sense of any of it.”

“You can’t.”

Mike waited for Sonny to say something else and, when he didn’t, looked over at him with a wry grin. “Really? That’s all you got? ‘You can’t’? Gosh, Doctor Freud, that’s really helpful. Thanks.”

Both of them laughed. It felt nice, like laughing with Sonny always did.

“Sorry, Dodds, I’d like to say somethin’ profound that’ll change your life and make it all go away. But that’s not how it works. All I got is, you can’t make sense of it, and you’ll drive yourself crazy tryin’. So what you do is, you talk about it when you gotta, and you leave it in the squadroom when you go home at night.” 

Mike didn’t say anything for a while. When he did, he talked for a long time, and Sonny just listened, encouraging him from time to time with an “mmm hmmm” or an “I get it.” Mike was surprised to find that it really did help to share some of what he was thinking and feeling. Just to hear Sonny say that he understood and had felt the same things lightened the load somewhat. Sonny talked about his experiences in Homicide, and the reasons he’d left, which were quite a bit like what Mike was feeling now. Although Mike wasn’t even considering leaving SVU, it felt good to hear Sonny remind him that he had options, and that plenty of cops found themselves needing to leave units whose work hit too close to home. 

By the time they approached the corner where they would separate to go to their separate buildings, Mike was feeling considerably better. They slowed as they got to the corner.

“You got anything to drink at your place?” Sonny asked.

“Uh, I think I drank my last beer,” Mike lied. Being alone with Sonny when he was fairly buzzed… not a good idea.

“I do. C’mon,” Sonny said, nodding his head in the direction of his apartment.

“I dunno, Carisi… It’s late. We gotta work tomorrow.”

“And our Lieutenant told you to talk about this to someone you trust. You gonna disobey a direct order?”

Mike shrugged much more casually than he felt, and fell in step beside Sonny. 

Sonny’s apartment was bigger and more comfortable than Mike’s. Mike suspected that Sonny’s mother had something to do with the comfort aspect. Sonny talked a lot about his family, and it seemed consistent with the things Mike knew about them that Sonny’s apartment would be furnished with cast-offs from his parents’ house. Mike also couldn’t imagine any man Sonny’s age choosing some of the lamps and artwork for himself. But somehow the effect, as a whole, was nice. It felt like a home. 

He stood a little uncomfortably as he watched Sonny lean down to take a couple of beers from his refrigerator, noticing again the loose-limbed way Sonny moved. Not to mention the shape of his ass. Mike really shouldn’t be here. He told himself not to think about the fact that he was alone with Sonny in his apartment, but his dick wasn’t listening. His dick was noticing Sonny’s mouth as he walked toward Mike, holding out a beer. 

“Have a seat,” Sonny said casually, throwing himself on a worn but comfortable-looking recliner at right angles to the couch. Mike took a seat on the couch. He looked around the apartment, down at the beer label, anywhere but at Sonny.

“So. You were sayin’?”

Mike tried to pick up the strands of the conversation they’d been having. With Sonny’s encouragement, he spent some more time walking through what had happened, and trying to figure out how to deal with it.

He was relieved when they finished their beers. The conversation seemed to have just about run its course by that point, anyway, so Mike set his bottle on a nearby table and stood up, intending to go. 

“Thanks for the beer, Carisi. And I appreciate you listening to me. It helped.”

“Glad to hear it. We all need that from time to time. Next time it’ll be me.” Sonny stood and moved to the door.

“I’ll be there.”

Sonny put his hand on the doorknob, then turned to Mike, who was just a step behind him, having expected him to open the door. They were very close together, and neither moved away.

Sonny took a breath and looked him in the eye. “You ever gonna make a move?” He asked quietly, his voice an inviting purr with just a hint of teasing.

“A… A move?” Mike stammered.

One side of Sonny’s mouth turned up in a small, knowing grin. “Right,” he said, and moved to open the door. 

Mike saw himself reach out and put a hand on the door before Sonny could open it. He really should remember not to drink around this man, especially if he was going to look at him like that. “Carisi…”

Sonny just stood where he was, hand on the doorknob, looking expectantly into Mike’s eyes. 

“I’m your Sergeant,” Mike breathed.

“I don’t give a fuck.” Sonny took his hand from the doorknob and placed it in the middle of Mike’s chest, pushing Mike gently against the wall. He took the step to close the distance between himself and Mike and, in a movement that seemed to take forever, slowly leaned into him. Sonny’s hands were now on the wall on either side of Mike. He took his time tilting his face toward Mike’s, giving him time to stop this if he was going to. Mike wasn’t going to. Mike couldn’t have stopped this if the fate of the free world depended on it. 

Sonny began by running the tip of his nose lightly against the side of Mike’s, up and down in a slow motion caress. As their lips touched for the first time, Mike thought his heart would burst from his chest. The lightning in his belly was almost painful. Sonny’s lips were as plump and delicious as Mike had imagined they would be, but he had never imagined the way it would feel to have Sonny kiss him, gently and softly at first, but with increasing pressure as he felt Mike respond. Mike instinctively rested his hands on Sonny’s hips as Sonny snaked an arm behind his back. 

Mike had no idea how long they stood there, Sonny pressing lightly against him and firmly in control of the kiss, breathing and tasting each other, while Mike tried to form any coherent thought beyond how much he wanted this man. It felt like hours, and it was nowhere near long enough. Everything was right. Sonny knew exactly what he was doing, using his lips to nibble Mike’s, opening his mouth just enough to keep Mike always on the edge of wanting more. In the end, Mike was the first to introduce his tongue into the kiss, licking tentatively at Sonny’s lips, only to hear Sonny give the slightest moan and feel his little victory grin. He had Mike entirely under his control, and he knew it. So did Mike. He knew Sonny could feel his erection as they kissed, and he didn’t care. Sonny was hard, too. Mike slid his hands further around Sonny, feeling the body he’d imagined a thousand times, now truly here in his arms.

Sonny could have pulled Mike toward his bedroom, or the couch, or the floor they were standing on, and Mike would have followed. Fortunately for Mike, Sonny could still think. He slid his lips one last time across Mike’s, and pulled slowly and gently out of Mike’s arms. Both of them were out of breath. Taking a step back, Sonny put his hand back to the doorknob and turned it, opening the door with a satisfied smirk. 

For a moment, Mike stood where he was, leaning against the wall and blinking stupidly. When he could function enough to put one foot in front of the other, he pushed off from the wall and stepped out into the hallway. They shared one last, long look before, without a word, Mike turned and walked toward the stairs. Sonny watched until Mike reached the door to the stairs, turning to look at Sonny once more before disappearing down the stairwell.

Mike walked out of Sonny’s building and to his own in a daze. He could still taste Sonny, still feel his lips and his chest pressing against his own, still see the look in Sonny’s eyes just as he leaned in to kiss him… Sonny Carisi wanted him. Sonny – and Adam’s balls, where had he learned to kiss like that – was willing to ignore the strict rules against a superior officer having a relationship with his subordinate. For him. Mike tried to absorb the idea that the man he’d fantasized about for two months straight _had_ actually been sending him signals. Gorgeous, impossibly sexy Sonny Carisi had kissed him. Had _owned_ him with a mere kiss. 

Oh, Mike had it bad.


	3. Wherever Here Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike Dodds can't figure out what's happening to him, and it scares him. He feels more for Sonny Carisi than he's ever felt before, and he's afraid of what might happen.

Mike woke up the next morning and immediately regretted all the wine he’d drunk the night before. He knew what cured his hangovers, but it took all the mental toughness he had developed in the Special Forces to get himself out of bed and into running gear. He wanted to stay in bed and sleep for another five hours. Even more than that, he wanted to lay in bed and replay that kiss in his mind for another five hours. Instead, he dragged himself out of bed, popped a couple of aspirin with a glass of water, and hit the streets. Five miles later, he was a new man.

Physically, anyway. He still couldn’t get Sonny Carisi out of his head. In the shower, he imagined what might have happened if he hadn’t walked out the door when Sonny opened it; if he’d pushed it closed again and then been the one to back Sonny against the wall. It was different than what he’d imagined when he’d gone to bed the night before, but he came just as hard as he had then.

When the squad got a report of a missing teenage boy that day, Mike wasn’t surprised when Sonny volunteered to go with him to interview the principal of the kid’s high school. Mike had been looking for an opportunity to talk to Sonny alone, too. 

They made awkward small talk for the first few blocks, but it was obvious what was on both their minds.

“So were you as hung over as I was this morning?” Mike asked, trying to sound casual as he approached the subject of the night before.

“I love red wine. I’m Italian, right? But drink more than one glass, and I always regret it. You don’t look like you’re hurtin’ too bad, though.”

“I took a run. It helps. You sweat out all the shit.”

“What, you wake up feelin’ like dog meat, and your first instinct is to _run_?”

“Hell, no,” Mike laughed. “It’s my last instinct, same as any normal person. But it works. Learned it in the military.”

“Well, no offense, but I’ll stick to my grandmother’s patented cure: Gatorade and toast.”

“Does it work?”

“Sure. I feel great.”

“I’ll have to try it. Hey, thanks again for listening to me whine. Appreciate it.”

“Sure.” Sonny squirmed a bit in his seat and looked out the passenger window. “So, ah… Are we OK?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re good,” Mike answered quickly.

“’Cause I been tryin’ to wait for you,” Sonny continued. “But there you were, in my apartment, and you were hurting, and you just looked so good… I couldn’t help myself.”

It was very fortunate that they happened to be sitting at a red light at that moment, given Mike’s instant head swivel to look at Sonny incredulously. “You’ve been waiting for me?”

Sonny blushed slightly and looked down at his feet, shuffling them and squirming adorably. “Yeah, I mean… I thought you might be interested, and I’m _definitely_ interested, but… I dunno.”

“You seemed pretty sure last night.”

“Yeah, well, I had a lot of wine last night,” Mike thought Sonny had never looked so cute as he did with a fierce blush and a shy smile.

The light turned green and Mike had to pay attention to driving again.

“Anyways,” Sonny stuttered, “I just wanted to, you know… apologize, or… explain… I mean, I know it’s different for you. You’re the one who’d be in trouble if we… you know, dated. And I don’t know how out you are. I just wanna be clear here, because I like you. I’m interested, and it seems like you are, too. But I get it if you want to just forget it happened.” 

Mike sighed lightly, twisting his lips as he tried to figure out what to say. “I don’t wanna forget it happened, Carisi. Couldn’t if I tried. It was… I mean, yeah, I’m attracted to you and I… really wanted to kiss you.”

He stole a quick glance at Sonny, still wearing that little smile. “Seemed like it,” Sonny said.

“But there are a hundred reasons we can’t… _I_ can’t. So, it can’t happen again, but I’m glad it happened once.”

They shared a nice moment, just smiling at each other. 

“A hundred reasons? I can only think of one. Maybe two. What are the other ninety-eight?”

“Gimme a break, Carisi. Reasons one and two are plenty.”

“Yeah. Yeah, they are. But I think maybe…”

“What?”

“Nothin’. It’s none of my business. You’re gonna turn left at the next block.”

Mike wondered what Sonny had been about to say, but decided to leave well enough alone. He wished he felt more sure of the reasons he’d given Sonny for not pursuing a relationship. He wished he felt more sure that he was even capable of keeping a professional distance. It wasn’t the first time he’d had a thing for a coworker, but it had never even approached the level of distraction or temptation he was experiencing now. And he’d certainly been attracted to other men, but this, with Sonny, seemed all-consuming. Mike was starting to become concerned about what could happen, because he was starting to become a little afraid of what he wanted to happen. Where Sonny was concerned, everything seemed completely new. Unfamiliar. Exciting and terrifying in equal measure.

Trying to locate the missing teenager ended up involving quite a bit more travelling than any of the squad were used to. Between the trip to a ski lodge in Vermont and another to a cabin in Pennsylvania, Mike had way too much time to sit and think. About Sonny, especially. But also about SVU. Olivia Benson didn’t seem to be very good at having a Sergeant. Instead, she dismissed his ideas and attempts to take some of the work off her plate and made him, essentially, just another detective. Which was not what he was there for. That thought naturally led him to wonder what his father was going to have to say about that. Mike wasn’t looking forward to a lecture on taking more initiative. Sometimes he really wished Matthew was around to shoulder some of their father’s plans and expectations. 

The team did find and rescue the teenage boy two days later, but not before the pedophile wrestling coach had drugged and assaulted him. Worse, the case took a dark and nasty turn when one of the perp’s former students, another of his victims, kidnapped and tortured a confession out of him. Worst of all, the torture had involved stabbing the coach, who died in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. Which meant that the pedophile’s abuse had shattered the kid’s life and driven him to commit a horrendous act in a desperate attempt to try to reclaim himself, but instead, he would now go to prison, possibly for the rest of his life. The rapist never faced justice, and the victim’s life was now over. 

Sonny took it hard. Because of who he was, Sonny was especially sickened when trusted authority figures abused that trust to victimize helpless kids. He hated seeing this scumbag coach get off so easy, and was even more incensed that one of his victims was going to be charged with first-degree murder. Nothing he could say to ADA O’Dwyer made a dent. He raged, he urged, he argued and wheedled, reminding O’Dwyer over and over that, with all his experience with teenage offenders, he should have had more empathy with the guy. Instead, O’Dwyer simply repeated that it was up to the jury to decide his punishment. Sonny threw up his hands, sputtering in protest, almost too angry to be coherent. 

Mike put an arm around him and led him away before he could get physical with O’Dwyer. That didn’t seem like something Sonny Carisi would do, but he was angrier than Dodds had ever seen him. 

“Get him out of here,” Liv growled quietly to Mike. “Give him a beer, let him vent, but let’s not have him punching out an ADA.”

“Copy that, Lieu.”

Had Mike had time to think about it, he would have been very hesitant to go anywhere alone with Sonny, particularly to a bar. But he found himself outside the station five minutes later, hailing a cab with still-furious Sonny in tow. Mike told the cabbie to take them to Steve’s Place. 

For a very long time, Mike just sat and listened to Sonny. Sometimes vitriolic rant, sometimes near-tearful, frustrated gripe, Sonny’s outcry of protest was eventually exhausted. He got up from the small, high table where he and Mike had been huddled together for over an hour and went to get their third beers. Mike watched him, relieved that Sonny seemed to have been able to release some of the bitter rage he’d come in with. He couldn’t help but notice how Sonny moved, how beautiful his hands were, how the slightest hint of silver had started to highlight his hair at the temples… He was really insanely good looking, Mike thought. No wonder he was helplessly obsessed.

Setting the beers on the table and climbing back into his chair, Sonny said, “I bet you’re tired of hearin’ me whine, huh?”

Mike extended the neck of his bottle toward Sonny, who clinked it with his. “You did it for me just a few days ago. You warned me it would be your turn next.”

Sonny grinned feebly. “Yeah. I guess. Let’s talk about somethin’ else. I thought I heard you tell Fin you play the guitar.”

Mike huffed a small laugh. “Something like that. I used to want to be Springsteen.”

“No kiddin’. You ever play in a band or anything?”

“Several.”

“No shit! I play a little, too, but my biggest gig was playing the teen Mass at church.”

Mike laughed, enjoying the idea of Sonny playing the guitar and singing church songs with a group of other kids. Sonny, however, was fascinated to learn about Mike’s high school garage band, and the groups he’d played with throughout his time in the military. He was entertained, but more intrigued, by the picture Mike painted of himself as a tortured artist during his Hell’s Kitchen days.

“So what made you give it up?” 

“It got old. The squalor, the messed-up hours, the drugs… I just figured I was ready to grow up.”

“You did drugs?”

“Nah. Smoked a lot of weed, is all. But I saw a lot of it, and I got tired of being around junkies. Mostly, what made me give up that life was just, I kept hearing my father’s voice, telling me I was never gonna be a success in that world, and I could succeed in this one.”

“His world.”

Mike shrugged. “I guess so.”

“You think you gave up music for your dad?”

“I don’t know. He had a lot to do with it, I guess. But it was my choice, too. I was done being dirty and broke.”

“Huh.” Sonny said thoughtfully.

“What, ‘huh?’”

“Nothin’. Just… What’s it like working for your dad? Personally, I find him to be… a challenge. And it kinda seems like you do, too, if you don’t mind my sayin’ so. Plenty of jobs in the NYPD. Why wouldn’t you go someplace else?”

Mike sighed, thinking. “He’s got this five-year plan. That’s what he calls it, his ‘five-year plan’. SVU is part of that.”

“_He’s_ got a plan. What about _you_ got a plan?”

“Meaning?”

“I mean, that’s what _he_ wants you to do. Is that what _you_ want to do?”

“Well, sure.”

“'_Well, sure_’,” Sonny mimicked. “I’m not buyin’ it.”

“You think I secretly yearn to go back to a two-room dump with no windows in the back of a fifth-floor walk-up? Working behind a bar watching hookups and fights all night long?”

“I don’t know. And, to be honest, I get the feeling you don’t, either.”

“Fuck, Carisi. You got some balls callin’ me a daddy’s boy.” The words could have been harsh except that he was smiling as he said them.

“That’s not exactly what I’m sayin’,” Sonny said thoughtfully, studying Mike almost as he would a suspect. “You just seem kind of… obedient, is all. I’d like to hear you say ‘I want’ sometime, rather than ‘my father wants’. That’s all.”

“You want another beer?” Mike asked, giving his empty bottle a swing by the neck.

“Nah,” Sonny answered. “Let’s get outta here.”

Did he say that with an invitation in his voice? What was that look? Mike berated himself, again, for drinking around Sonny. He was hard enough to resist sober.

It was starting to feel familiar, walking through these streets together. Mike thought Sonny seemed to be walking a bit more slowly than usual, and consciously chose not to ask about it. If Sonny wanted to prolong the walk, Mike had no objections. Nothing bad could come of walking together. He just wished it didn’t feel so damn _good_. He wished they were going somewhere together, instead of just walking together to separate destinations. He didn’t notice when his mind began to wander forward, to what it might be like to be heading back to Sonny’s apartment, maybe to kiss again-

“Are you?” Sonny’s amused, insistent voice cut through his sultry daydream.

“Huh? Am I what?”

Sonny laughed. “I asked if you were paying any attention to me. I’m callin’ that a ‘no’. Where were you?” 

They reached the corner where Mike would turn off to go to his apartment. “Nowhere,” he mumbled. 

“You OK?” The teasing note left Sonny’s voice, to be replaced by a note of kind concern as they stopped walking and Sonny turned to Mike.

“Yeah, I was just… thinkin’.”

“About me?” Sonny asked. Mike would have expected a different expression on his face. Flirtatious, or mocking, or something. But Sonny’s eyes were serious, his features open and guileless. He was honestly and simply asking the question. It was disarming.

“Yeah,” Mike said softly, looking into Sonny’s eyes, dark blue here under the streetlight. “I was thinking it would be nice if we could be going somewhere together, instead of home alone.”

Sonny didn’t respond, or move, or change his expression. Which meant that it was Mike who put his arm around Sonny and his hand behind Sonny’s neck, pulling him into a kiss. Sonny hadn’t started it, but he responded with eager heat. He tasted like beer, and Sonny, and sex, and temptation. Mike could smell his body, warm from the walk, a deep, almost sweet scent that made Mike want to lick him, or chew him. 

When they came up for air after several intimate, promising moments, Sonny murmured, “I think I just got my wish. I heard Mike Dodds say ‘I want’.” 

“Believe me, I want. But this is dangerous for both of us,” Mike warned, going back to kissing him with growing passion.

“I know that,” Sonny responded, his answer in his kisses as much as his words. “And I’ll take my chances, if it means I can be with you. But it’s your decision. We both have to be willing to risk it.”

Eventually, Mike surrendered as he’d always known he would, taking Sonny’s hand and turning toward home, walking in silence. On the way, Mike put an arm around Sonny’s shoulders, holding him close and kissing him on the temple, just because he could. Sonny’s arm felt warm around Mike’s waist. Mike felt somehow as if he had missed having it there, although it had never been there before.

Mike’s entire awareness was so full of Sonny that he had no memory of the rest of the walk home, or of unlocking the door next to the dry cleaner’s and climbing the stairs to his apartment above it. He pulled Sonny into his arms as soon as the door to his apartment was unlocked, and this time he was the one who got to press against Sonny, holding him against the wall.

“Shit, Carisi, you have no idea how bad I want you,” Mike growled into Sonny’s neck, finding it frustrating that he couldn’t both unbutton his shirt and press against his chest at the same time. 

Sonny was clearly having similar thoughts, because he reached up and pulled his tie off in one motion, helping Mike with the rest of his buttons so that he could yank his shirt and jacket off together, throwing them and forgetting about them before they hit the floor. Once they had struggled and grunted their way through removing Mike’s jacket and shirt, as well, their bare chests were enough skin contact for the moment. That allowed them to ravage eachother’s mouths and rub against one another, moaning hungrily without regard to what Mike’s neighbors might hear happening just inside the door. 

Eventually, Mike ran his hands up Sonny’s chest, finally burying his fingers in that hair, and looked into his eyes, panting for air. The almost sweet smell of Sonny, combined with the hint of musk they were creating together, made Mikes’ head swim.

“Babe, we should… We shouldn’t…”

“I don’t want to hear ‘should’ from you right now,” Sonny rasped, his breath ragged. “Tell me what you want.”

“You know what I want.”

“Say it.”

“I want to fuck you. “

“Then take me to your bedroom and do it.”

Mike kissed Sonny deeply and thoroughly before taking his hand and leading him the few steps through his front room to his bedroom. They stood next to Mike’s bed, kissing and unhooking first each other’s belts, then hooks and zippers, until they could finally touch each other. With hands wrapped around each other’s cocks, they stroked one another until they were groaning with need. Sonny felt like perfection; long and rock-hard, but Mike wanted this first time to last. He consciously tried to slow things down, taking time to slide Sonny’s pants and boxers over his hips and let them fall down his legs. While Sonny toed off his shoes, Mike quickly stripped off the rest of his own clothes and shoes, then led Sonny onto the bed.

Lying next to each other made it easier to kiss and explore one another, and the short break to undress and get into bed had allowed them to slow their pace a bit. Mike found himself looking into Sonny’s beautiful blue eyes and stroking his chest, trying to restrain himself from focusing on his cock. He didn’t want this to be over too soon. He was overwhelmed with sensations. He was as aroused as he could ever remember being, but his desire to fuck Sonny was matched by an equal desire to touch him, to stroke him and taste him everywhere. He didn’t just want to fuck. He wanted to _experience_ Sonny, to be fucking _him_. It was a totally new experience Mike had absolutely no idea how to approach.

“You are so fucking beautiful, Sonny. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”

Sonny smiled and pulled Mike to him in a hungry, invasive kiss, reaching down and taking Mike into his hand. Mike was spellbound by his caress, heedless of the sounds he was making, of the way he was saying Sonny’s name. He couldn’t stop himself – didn’t even try to stop himself – from rolling on top of Sonny, beginning a slow, deep grind that had them both gasping.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Sonny gasped. “I want you inside me. Will you…?”

Mike tore himself away to fumble in his nightstand for supplies, tossing them on the bed near Sonny’s hip and returning to kiss him hungrily, as though he’d been gone for hours. After re-establishing that Sonny was still there for him, still wanting this, he began to kiss his way down Sonny’s body, faster than was particularly romantic, and promising himself that he would take a long time to explore Sonny’s body with his mouth as soon as possible.

Sonny swore loudly when Mike took him into his mouth, eagerly tasting him by swirling his tongue around his cock while he took him as deeply as he could. Mike inhaled deeply the smell of Sonny there, in his most intimate place, dizzy with desire as he blindly coated his fingers with lube. He worshiped Sonny with his mouth while he rubbed the lube between his fingers, warming it up a bit before reaching to softly stroke Sonny’s hole. Again, Sonny almost shouted a curse word as Mike moved his fingers against him.

“Do it,” he hissed. “Fuck me…”

Mike tried to pay attention to Sonny as he slid a finger into him, wanting to be gentle, but Sonny was past that. He pushed down onto Mike, fucking himself on Mike’s finger already. Mike, balanced on one hand over Sonny’s hips as he finger-fucked him and sucked him, was near insane with need himself, especially watching Sonny’s writhing and hearing his cries. As Mike began to fuck him with two fingers, unconsciously murmuring his name, Sonny pulled at his shoulder, pulling Mike up toward him. 

“I can’t- you gotta stop that – I don’t wanna come before you’re inside me…” Sonny’s speech was disjointed, his words crammed in between deep gasps of air and moans. 

Mike obeyed, kissing and licking up Sonny’s chest as he slipped a third finger inside him, sliding them as far in as they would go and feeling Sonny pushing down to meet him. By the time he had kissed his way up to Sonny’s lips again, Sonny had reached over and torn open a condom. Mike removed his fingers from Sonny and lifted up so that Sonny could slip the condom over Mike’s cock. He could easily have come just from the feeling of Sonny’s hands on him, but gritted his teeth and managed to hold off, moving into position and pressing the head of his dick against Sonny’s pucker. 

“You OK?” Mike grunted between breaths.

“Fuck, yeah. I just need you…”

Mike pushed into Sonny, feeling the initial resistance and tightness, but also feeling Sonny pushing toward him, urging him deeper. He whispered Sonny’s name yet again as he took his mouth, devouring his lips as he slid in and out, quickly beginning to speed up his thrusts. There was no way he was going to be able to do this for long, not with the gorgeous man beneath him stroking his tongue across Mike’s lips and making those unspeakably erotic sounds. When he felt Sonny take his dick into his hand and begin to stroke, Mike let himself go. He felt the first shocks of a volcanic explosion just as Sonny cried out and he felt the hot spurt of Sonny’s climax. Waves and waves of ecstasy washed over Mike as he continued to plunge himself into Sonny for as long as he could, unaware that he was groaning Sonny’s name over and over with each thrust. 

Afterward, when they’d recovered enough to clean up and settle under the covers together, Mike found that he couldn’t hold Sonny close enough. He found himself kissing him wherever he could reach as Sonny lay with his face buried in Mike’s neck. Mike stroked Sonny’s hair, put a leg over Sonny’s and pulled his legs closer to entwine with his, and slid his hand up and down Sonny’s back, tired and sated for the moment but unable to stop… _experiencing_ Sonny. 

Another thing that had never happened to Mike before. He wanted to cry, and laugh, and kiss Sonny some more, and sing every sappy love ballad he’d ever heard. Love. Mike realized that this felt like the way the songs described love, although he’d never felt anything like this before. Was this love? Mike was mature enough to know that, lying entwined with a pretty man when his dick was still a little hard and the sweat hadn’t even dried wasn’t the time to decide he was in love. But he couldn’t deny that this was more than he had ever felt before. He fell asleep wondering what was happening to him.

He woke up with Sonny’s lips wrapped around his cock and his hands exploring Mike just as Mike had done to him the night before. Mike’s sleep- and hormone-addled mind wasn’t sure whether it was the best head he’d ever gotten or just the best wet dream he’d ever had. Whichever, it was glorious.

When he came down from his orgasm, he rolled Sonny onto his back and, taking time to kiss him tenderly, began to move down Sonny’s body, taking the time to do some of the tasting and exploring he’d promised himself the night before. 

“You don’t have to-” Sonny murmured, his closed eyes and half-smile belying his words.

“Fuck, yes I do. Maybe you don’t need me to, but I need me to. I’ve been wanting to since the second I saw you. You say you want me to tell you what I want? I want to suck your pretty dick and make you come down my throat. That’s what I want.”

Conveniently, it was what Sonny wanted, too.

Although it was difficult to let Sonny out of his arms to go home and change for work, it gave Mike a chance to think. To process what had happened – was happening – with Sonny. Mike actually appreciated the normalcy of going to work and doing routine things that reminded him of who he was. Because he couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t quite the same man he’d been when he’d left the squad room the day before. It wasn’t just that he’d slept with Sonny Carisi, and it wasn’t just that it had been spectacular. He’d slept with other people, had great sex with some of them, and it didn’t change who he was. But _something_ had happened to him, and whatever it was, Sonny was responsible for it. If he’d been concerned before about what could happen, now he was truly afraid. He felt like he had when Sonny had kissed him. Entirely in Sonny’s control, and ecstatic to be there. He’d been willing to let Sonny make him do anything that night. But this was his life. What might Sonny be able to make him do to his life?

The fear didn’t stop Mike from taking Sonny back to his apartment after work. Although he didn’t usually bottom, something made him want to feel Sonny inside him this time, and Sonny was more than happy to switch places. 

It became easier to ignore the fear every time he made love with Sonny, which was as often as they could manage it. They were never really tempted to try to steal some time together at work, but that had little to do with the absolute need to keep their relationship secret. It had much more to do with the need to keep their sex life entirely separate from the hideous crimes they investigated, to avoid any possibility of the ugliness they saw at SVU seeping into their own lives. From that first night together, whenever they were both off work at night, they were together at one or the other of their apartments. It didn’t make sorting out his feelings any easier for Mike but, somehow, when he was with Sonny, he felt less untethered and afraid of whatever this was. It was only when he was alone, or with his father, that Mike wondered how he was ever going to get back to normal. It was at one of those moments when he had the thought that maybe, if he and Sonny kept having sex as often as they were, at some point he would get Sonny out of his system, and he’d be himself again. He ignored the voice in the back of his mind saying that so far, the opposite seemed to be happening. 

After Mike and Sonny had been lovers for about a month, they were lying in Sonny’s bed in the position they most often took after sex, with Sonny lying in Mike’s arms and their legs intertwined. They had been forehead-to-forehead, looking into one another’s eyes, murmuring silly, affectionate nothings to one another. Sonny was trying to figure out exactly what color Mike’s eyes were, and why he found them so hypnotic. Mike was simply being amused, watching the way Sonny’s mouth moved and just enjoying being close.

At some point, Sonny’s expression became more serious, and his voice became even softer than the quiet purr it had been. “Can I tell you something?”

“Babe, you can tell me anything,” Mike grinned lazily, kissing him.

Shallow frown lines appeared between Sonny’s eyes as he began. “You know, I wanted you from the minute I saw you, and I wanted not to like you. But you blew past that right away, and then we became friends. And then… this happened.”

He stopped, seeming more to be struggling to find words than to have said all he meant to say. Mike simply said, “And?”

“And now I just… Mike, I… I really like you. This is more than just sex for me. I don’t know what you’re gonna do with that information, I know you’re at more risk than me, but I just… need you to know. For me.”

“Sonny…” Mike pulled Sonny to him and held him almost painfully tight, kissing the side of his head because it was the only place within reach. “Me, too, Babe. God help me, this… you… it’s more than sex for me, too.”

As the weeks went by, they continued to spend every possible night together, and had gradually come to spend all their time in Sonny’s cheerful, comfortable apartment rather than Mike’s drab, utilitarian place. Mike’s apartment had become the place he returned to when he needed to pick up his mail, or get fresh clothes, although more and more of those had taken up residence at Sonny’s. 

Sonny came home from Sunday dinner with his family to find Mike slouched on the sofa, his long legs draped lazily over the coffee table and ESPN playing on the television with the sound off, the way Mike often watched sports for some reason. Sonny had teased Mike about it, saying he thought it was cute, and maybe a little weird, which was incidentally the way he would describe Mike on the whole. Tonight, Mike was sipping a beer and paying no attention to whatever game was on. 

“You OK, hon?” Sonny asked as he breezed through the room to the kitchen to deal with the bags of leftovers his mother always sent home with him. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Just thinkin’.” 

“About?” 

“I don’t know. Nothin’.”

Sonny came back out of the kitchen and stopped on his way to the bedroom. “You sure everything’s OK?”

“Everything’s great. I guess that’s what I was thinkin’ about.” Mike smiled affectionately at Sonny, thinking he looked particularly adorable in his church clothes, casual slacks and a cable-knit sweater over a T-shirt. 

“Well, hold that thought. Let me get changed, and then I wanna hear all about how great everything is.” Sonny’s smile was incandescent and, for some reason, he was blushing just a bit.

He quickly returned from the bedroom, still wearing the T-shirt, and now comfortable in a pair of Mike’s sweats. For some time now, Sonny had made a habit of wearing clothes that Mike had worn, saying that it made him feel closer to him. He especially liked wearing Mike’s shirts, because he said they smelled like him. Mike had felt his chest clutch when he said that, and could have sworn that there were tears threatening behind his eyes. 

Sonny sat down next to Mike, as close as possible, and put his legs over Mike’s and his head on Mike’s shoulder, scooting his body under Mike’s arm so that Mike had no choice but to put his arm around him. As though Mike wanted a choice.

“So. You were thinkin’ things are good, huh?”

Mike laughed and tipped Sonny’s face up to kiss him. It was a few minutes before he pulled away slightly. “Yeah. Good.”

“What else were you thinkin’?”

Sonny was a talker. He was always asking how Mike was feeling, what he was thinking, how he felt about things. Sometimes that was difficult for Mike, because he didn’t tend to ask himself those questions. But he’d begun to, somewhere in the couple of months he’d been seeing Sonny. Thinking about Sonny was always nice, but the habit had begun to creep into other areas of Mike’s life, and it wasn’t always pleasant.

“I was thinking about… you and me, I guess. How we got here. Where ‘here’ is.”

“You come to any conclusions?”

Mike hesitated, then shrugged. “I told you. That things are good.”

Sonny shook his head. “You kill me. You’ll chase an armed perp without a second thought, you’ll go nose to nose with anyone who wants to challenge you, no matter how big they are. But ask you to talk about how you feel, or what you think, and you panic and start lookin’ for the exit.”

Sonny sat up and turned to Mike, putting a hand out to stroke his hair. His whole face was aglow as he looked at Mike, his sentimental grin showing his dimples and making crinkles around his eyes, both of which made the bottom drop out of Mike’s stomach. 

“It’s one of the things I love about you. It’s also one of the things that make me want to strangle you.”

Mike stroked Sonny’s thigh, smiling back into his eyes. “Did you just tell me you love me?”

“Not very eloquently. But I do.”

Mike sighed happily, his eyes showing all that he felt. “I love you, too. How’s that for talking about my feelings?”

“Pretty fuckin’ good,” Sonny said, beaming the full wattage of his radiant smile on Mike. “I think you deserve a reward.”


	4. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike Dodds never planned to fall in love with Sonny Carisi. But it happened, and now he wants to give Sonny everything. Even though the consequences to both of them will be worse than he ever feared.

Mike Dodds was in love. He had never been in love before, but he was now. Saying “I love you” to Sonny had been a little like losing his virginity: suddenly he had done something irrevocable and wonderful, and he wanted to do it again and again, as soon as possible. He couldn’t tell Sonny often enough, couldn’t adequately express the depth of his feelings for Sonny. And he was surprised at the effect his declaration had on Sonny. Of course, Sonny loved Mike and was naturally elated that his love was returned. But it was more than that. Sonny, who battered constantly at Mike’s defenses, always asking him to share what he was thinking and feeling, who frequently accused Mike of being afraid to claim his own desires, seemed jubilant that Mike had trusted him with such a precious confidence. And yet, it wasn’t enough. Sonny wanted more. And, just as he’d feared, Mike wanted to give it to him, even knowing what it would cost.

Lying together on the couch in Sonny’s apartment, work clothes in a rough circle around them where they’d landed after being feverishly torn off, Sonny and Mike were tiredly debating what to order for dinner. They were hungry, but they were exhausted after a long day and some fairly athletic sex.

“I wish we were at your place,” Sonny sighed. “We could just run down to the Korean place next door.”

“We’d still have to put clothes on.”

“I guess, but it’d still be easier than ordering in.”

“You know, that reminds me of something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” Mike said, stiffening a little. It was something that, before falling in love with Sonny Carisi, would never have occurred to Mike. Even if it had, he wouldn’t have said anything, for a host of reasons. But everything was different now.

“Hmmmm?” Sonny sleepily asked, not moving from where he lay on Mike’s chest, his lower body between Mike’s legs. 

“I wondered if you might want to… I mean, I…” He ran his fingers through Sonny’s hair, something he loved to do. He thought Sonny was gorgeous with his hair styled, but Sonny with his hair a mess, or naturally falling over his forehead without any product in it, touched Mike in a place he hadn’t even known existed. 

Sonny lifted his head and looked at Mike. “What is it?”

“I love you.”

“I know,” Sonny’s eyes sparkled and he gave Mike a smile reserved for him alone. “I love you, too.” 

“And I want to spend all my time with you.”

“You do.”

“Yeah. I do. Which makes me think, maybe you might, um, want me to move in here. With you.”

Sonny sat up. The smile was still there, but something had changed in his demeanor. “No,” he said.

Mike could feel his heart stutter and then stop. 

“Don’t get me wrong,” Sonny continued. “I will move in with you tonight if that’s what you want. It’s what _I_ want. But not here.”

Mike frowned. “Why not?”

“Because I know what you’d do. You’d move the few clothes that aren’t here already into the closet, and maybe bring your guitars, and that would be it.”

Mike blinked. “Yeah… That’s pretty much what me moving in would look like. Wouldn’t it? What’s wrong with that?”

“Everything! You would move in here and just blend yourself in. Everything would still be all me. Because that’s what you do. You just… go along. Your apartment, it’s like your life, Mike. There’s none of you in it. And if you moved in here, there would be none of you here, either.”

“This again.”

“Yeah, this again. Did you ever wonder why I’m always asking you what you’re thinking? What you’re feeling?”

“Because you’re Sonny Carisi, and that’s what you do.” 

“No! I don’t do that with anyone else. I do it with you because I want to know who you are. But it’s like pullin’ teeth with you. I feel like, when I ask you what you think about something, you’re actually surprised that you can have an opinion. Like, it never even occurs to you. And then you have to figure out what you think. It’s worth it to me. The more I know you, the more I love you. But I wish you were as interested in you as I am. Does that make any sense?”

“No. Can we go back to talking about dinner?”

“Look, all I’m sayin’ is I don’t want to live in my place, where you also happen to live. I want to live in our place, Mike. A place where I can be when you’re not there, and still feel you. I love you, and I want as much of you as I can get. So yeah, I want us to move in together, but you have to move in, too.”

“All right,” Mike sighed, pulling Sonny back down onto his chest. “I know I’m not the most forthcoming person on the planet. I don’t even know what a guy like you is doing with a lump like me. But I’m trying. OK?”

“I know you are,” Sonny smiled and kissed Mike’s chest. “And how ‘bout I tell you what a guy like me is doing with a lump like you.”

Mike could only smile at the ceiling and shake his head occasionally as Sonny told him, in great detail, what he loved about him. 

Eventually, hunger drove them to order dinner, and a concern about dry cleaning bills drove them to pick their suits up off the floor. They had a lot of arms and legs when it came to sitting around Sonny’s tiny kitchen table, but they actually liked that they could sit with their legs touching, and touch each other whenever they chose. Although he was sitting very close to Sonny, both of his legs in as much contact with Sonny’s as possible, Mike felt himself begin to drift away from the conversation once his immediate hunger was satisfied. Sonny, being Sonny, asked him about it. 

“Havin’ second thoughts? About moving in together?”

“No,” Mike answered firmly. “But I am thinking about what it would mean. In the cold light of day, I don’t see how we’re going to be able to make it work. You know the squad is just pretending not to know we’re together, and Liv’s starting to have a hard time ignoring it. It’s only a matter of time before she has to do something.”

Sonny was quiet for a long time, and Mike could tell that he was thinking about Mike had said. They ate in silence as Mike waited to see what Sonny would say. Finally, he took a breath and began.

“Seems to me like it’s time to deal with SVU. We always knew this moment would come. I mean, when we were first together, it wouldn’t have made any sense to say anything. But things have changed.”

Mike felt a little ill, hearing it said out loud. He no longer kidded himself that he was going to somehow get Sonny out of his system. He wasn’t. He was in love with Sonny, and making plans to live with him. Whenever he thought about the future, he pictured Sonny in it. He was happy. This, with Sonny, was what Mike wanted. And he couldn’t wait to tell everyone that he had won the love of this beautiful, perfect man. OK, maybe perfect was a bit much, but Mike was in love. And now here they were. The point at which, for Mike’s dreams of a future with Sonny to come true, everything had to change. And it was not going to be easy.

“Yeah, things have changed. Which means more things are gonna have to change. You know that, right?”

“Yeah. And I’m ready to leave SVU for you.”

Mike started. “Wait, what? You’re not the one leaving SVU. You love it there. You’re the one who’s staying. I’m the one who’s leaving. Which is not gonna go over big with my father.”

“How’s he gonna feel about you and me?”

Mike winced. “He’s gonna lose his shit.”

“He knows you’re gay, right?”

“Doesn’t have a clue.”

“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now?” Sonny’s shock was evident in every aspect of his expression and in the way he sat up and back, away from Mike.

“Never wanted to deal with it. I figured I’d tell him if I ever fell in love.”

“Holy shit, Mike. I thought you said you were out everywhere but work?”

“And with my Dad.”

“So what are you tellin’ me? You wanna just leave SVU and hope nobody at the NYPD notices we have the same address? Keep hidin’ who we are? What we have?”

“Not hiding, just… Not broadcasting.”

“Well, what if I wanna broadcast? Once we don’t work together anymore, what’s wrong with broadcasting? I love you. I’m proud of being with you. But maybe you don’t feel the same way?”

“Shit, Babe, you know I feel the same way. But you also know I’m more… private about things.”

“There’s private and there’s in the closet, Mike.”

“Don’t do that. I’m trying to navigate some pretty significant changes in my life, you know? Can you be patient with me? Let me do it one step at a time?”

“I’m callin’ bullshit. This isn’t about changes. This is about Mike Dodds not wantin’ to own who he is and what he wants. Mike Dodds bein’ one guy at home with me, and a totally different guy at work, and probably a third guy with your father.”

“That isn’t true…”

“Lemme ask you this, Mike. What, exactly do you want?”

“You know what I want, and you’re refusing to see that it’s not as easy for me as it is for you. I’m about to shit on everything my father wants for me-“ 

“You know what, Mike? I don’t give a fuck what your father wants. Your father has nothing to do with what I’m asking you. I want to know what _you_ want. I understand that he matters to you. I understand that he affects what you do. But I’m not asking what you’re gonna do. I’m asking what you _want_ to do. 

“I want you. I want to be with you.”

“Why is that so frightening to you? Why are you so scared to even acknowledge what you want? You are entitled to your own opinions, you know. It’s not disloyal to want something different than what your father wants for you.”

“I’m all he has.”

“Then let him have you. The real you. You’re not fucking Pinocchio, Mike. You’re _already_ a real boy. Do you think he wants a miserable puppet? And if he does, what kinda father does that make him?”

“That is so fucking easy for you to say. Your father has other kids, a wife. And he thinks the sun shines out of your ass. My life isn’t like that.”

“No, your _father’s_ life isn’t like that. And we’re talking about _your_ life, _Mike’s_ life. You got choices. You just won’t make ‘em. 

“What do you want from me?”

“I want you to be _Mike_. I want you to live for yourself. Not for your father. For _you_.”

Mike leaned both elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands, his fingers buried in handfuls of his hair. He heaved a deep sigh. “I don’t think I know how to do that.”

“Well, you can start by telling your father who you are. Stop making him love a son who doesn’t exist. Give him a chance to love the real one.”

“And if it destroys him? If he never speaks to me again?”

“Then those are choices _he_ made. And you’ll still have me.” 

“I always thought that I’d tell him if I ever fell in love. Just… give me some time to get used to the idea.”

Now it was Sonny’s turn to sigh. He leaned forward and put his hands on Mike’s arms. “I know I’m pushing you. I’m not doin’ it to be a dick. I’m doin’ it because I want to build a life with you, and I’m not willing to be your secret. But I understand you need time, and I’ll try to be patient. For what it’s worth, you know you’re not the first guy who ever dreaded coming out to his parents. And he won’t be the first dad who had to deal with it.”

Mike and his father had dinner together once a month. Sometimes they went to a restaurant, but tonight William had said that he wanted to cook, which is how Mike found himself standing before the large picture windows that gave onto his father’s beautiful view of the city. He had poured a little more bourbon in his glass than he might normally, partly because his dad only drank the good stuff, and partly because he was anxious. Sometime soon, everything between him and his father were probably going to be very different. 

“I was impressed, Dad. Carisi knows his stuff. We got a confession out of a guy not a lot of people could have got to.”

“Well, who’s to say that was Carisi? You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“Not on this one. This one was all Sonny.”

William Dodds was wearing an apron over the shirt and slacks he’d worn to work. He’d removed his tie and unbuttoned a few shirt buttons. He stood behind a very large kitchen island that separated the well-appointed kitchen from the dining room. William Dodds loved to cook, and he knew he was good at it. The walls of his kitchen were a deep cranberry red that created a warm, masculine environment with the dark cherry-wood cabinetry and beige-toned granite.

Mike had seen his dad look like that a million times in his life, making dinner for them and talking about what Mike was doing in school, and later his career. This was a favorite discussion spot for them. Always had been. Right now, William was looking at Mike with a somewhat pedantic air.

“You know, Son, you’ve mentioned Detective Carisi several times tonight, and I just want to caution you, he’s your subordinate. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking a subordinate can be a friend. It’s all fine until something goes wrong, and then you need to be able to make the tough decisions. Not to mention plausible deniability.” 

Mike snorted. He couldn’t help it. Things were so much more complicated than that, and Mike could no more forsake Sonny to save his own skin than he could fly.

The dinner was pleasant enough, but Mike noticed something he’d never felt before. He felt as though he had a secret. In all the years since he’d figured out his sexuality, he had always thought it was kind of like masturbation. It wasn’t exactly a secret, it was just something you didn’t talk about. But now there was Sonny. Now it wasn’t just Mike’s sex life. It was Mike’s _life_.

Mike gulped down the rest of the excellent wine William had served with dinner and refilled both their glasses. He wasn’t drunk, but he was a little buzzed. Maybe buzzed enough to do this. Maybe.

He pushed his plate toward the center of the table as his father did the same. Their postures were identical as they took up their wineglasses and leaned back in their chairs. Some of their best conversations had happened right here, at this table, in these positions.

“That was amazing, Dad. You always were such a great cook. Thanks.”

William laughed. “What’s with the nostalgia?”

Mike hesitated. “Um, I just… Dad, you know I love you. It’s been just you and me for a long time. You’ve always looked out for me, and you only want what’s best for me. You’ve worked hard to help me get where I am. I know that. And I appreciate it.”

“Oh, boy. You’re about to tell me something I’m not going to like.”

“Probably.”

“You don’t want to stay at SVU. OK, we can deal with that. It’s a little early to make the jump to the Joint Terrorism Task Force, you might have to…”

“That’s not it.”

William’s features registered his surprise. “Then what is it?”

“Dad, I…” Mike stopped and took a long drink of wine, then a deep breath. “This is really difficult, and it’s probably going to be hard for you to hear. Please remember what I said. I love you. But I’ve been lying to you for a long time. About me. About who I am.”

Mike looked straight at his father.

“What does that mean?” William asked, intrigued, but relaxed.

“It means, Dad, that… I’m gay.”

William didn’t miss a beat. He laughed dismissively. “You’re not gay. What, maybe you had some sort of fling – I don’t want to know – but that doesn’t make you gay. You’re not.”

Mike, knowing his father well, had expected this. “Dad, I am. I’m attracted to men. I have sex with men.”

“Stop it, I don’t need the details.” William made a pushing away motion as he stood and began to clear the table. “You’re not gay. You’ve dated a hundred girls. Carol Fleisinger. You dated her all though high school.” 

“Yes, I did. Even had sex with her. I thought I was bisexual for a long time, and I tried to just ignore wanting men, and date women. But it doesn’t go away just because you want it to. Eventually I could admit to myself I was bi, but even then I had a pretty strong preference for men. I didn’t want to be gay, Dad. But it’s not something you choose. It’s something you are. And I am.”

At the kitchen counter, William slammed the dishes into the sink. Mike wouldn’t have been surprised if at least one of the plates broke. William whirled around to place both hands on the island between the kitchen and the dining room. “No, you’re not! Why would you even _say_ something like that? Are you _trying_ to sabotage your career? Is this about me? Are you trying to lash out at me? Is that what this is?”

“Dad.” Mike remained seated at the table, trying with his body language to make his father understand that this was Mike’s truth.

“You’re not gay, Michael. You’re not. And you better not be telling _anyone_ you are, because you’ll ruin your life. Is that what you’re trying to do? Is this some last-ditch effort to go back to your pipe dream of playing in a band? You’re a little old for fairy tales, Son.”

“It’s none of those things, Dad. It’s just the truth. It’s who I am. And I’m telling you because you deserve to know the truth, and not have me pretending to be something I’m not.”

“Bullshit.” William turned back and began to rinse dishes and shove them angrily into his dishwasher. 

Mike said nothing, giving his father time to process what he’d just said. Giving himself time to process it. He tried to keep his expression open, not angry or ashamed, not anything. He willed himself to stay calm.

Eventually, William came back over to the table and took a drink of his wine, but didn’t sit back down. His expression was a dark mix of anger, frustration, fear, and something Mike could only interpret as disgust. “So you’re telling me that you’ve been having sex with men. How many men are we talking about? Is it, like, just a few, or… No, no, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. I’m just trying to get a sense of what you’re telling me here.”

“I’m telling you I’m gay, Dad. Yeah, I’ve had sex with women. I like women, too, just nowhere near as much as men. For me, women are… OK. And much more convenient in public. But they’re not what I want.”

“In public! Are you telling me you’re planning to go public with this? For fuck’s sake, Mike, why don’t you just take a chainsaw to your career?”

Both wineglasses empty, William snatched Mike’s from the table and strode back into the kitchen. 

“Since when?” William kept his back to Mike, but Mike understood what he was asking.

“Since always, I guess. I don’t know, I thought I was bi for a long time, maybe I am, but I prefer men, and I’m in love with a man.”

William didn’t move from where he stood at the sink, but turned around to face his son. “You’re in love?”

“Yeah,” Mike smiled and gave a little laugh. 

“With a man.”

“I’m in love with a man.”

“Does anyone know?”

“We haven’t said anything, but I think the squad knows.”

“Wait… it’s someone in your _squad_?”

“Dad, let’s deal with one thing at a time-“

“Well, it’s not Olivia, which means it’s a subordinate! Mike, for fuck’s sake! You could get canned for this! _I_ should can you for this! And I’m guessing it’s Carisi, he’s queer as a-“

“Do NOT finish that sentence!”

“So it is Carisi.”

“Yes.”

Now William came out to the dining room again, standing menacingly over Mike and gesturing with his arms.

“So Carisi put you up to this. That filthy little bastard! Well, he can kiss his career goodbye. He’s a dead man walking, he just doesn’t know it yet. I’ll-“

Mike stood and held up a hand. “Dad, this isn’t about him. It’s about me. And you can’t touch him without destroying me, too. You know that. I’m his Sergeant, which puts him in a way better position than I am. Whatever the Department does to him, I’m gonna get worse. So you got a choice to make.”

“Oh, it’s made. He’s going down. And if he takes you with him, so be it. And that’s what you’re calling love? He makes me sick. I’ll see he burns for this! And you! You sit there and tell me… I’m done. I can’t look at you anymore. Get out. And you can expect to turn in your gun and your shield in the morning, along with your friend Carisi.” 

“Dad, please. Don’t do something you can’t undo. Give yourself some time-“

William started to cry. In all Mike’s years, he had never seen his father cry. He felt stunned and sick and what he’d done. 

“That faggot Carisi seduced my son! That repulsive sick fuck put his hands on you-”

“Dad, whatever you say about him, you say about me. I’m the repulsive sick fuck. I seduced hiim.” 

“Get out! Get out! I’ve had enough of this! And you won’t drag me down into your filth. First thing tomorrow morning, I’ll be in the Chief’s office. Count on it!” His voice broke as he said that, and he turned his back on his son, going to a bar cart he kept in the dining room, and pouring a hefty shot of bourbon. His shoulders were hunched, his head hung low. Mike could see that his father’s hand shook as he held the decanter and poured. 

“You know where to find me.” It was all Mike could think of to say before lifting his jacket from the back of the dining room chair and leaving the apartment. 

This was far worse than he had allowed himself to imagine. He’d imagined the shouting, the name-calling, even being banished from his father’s life. But it had never occurred to him that his father would go so far as to destroy his career, if only because of the damage it would do to his own. Even if Mike could have conceived of him doing such a thing, he could never have formed the idea that his father would try to destroy Sonny’s career as well. Sonny would probably survive, although he’d be damaged goods for life. And it would be Mike’s fault.

He hadn’t even had a chance to tell his father that he planned to leave SVU. He supposed it didn’t matter now that he was about to be drummed out of the NYPD entirely. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He thought about going back to his father’s apartment and begging him to leave Sonny out of this, to focus his ire on the person William was really angry with. But he knew that was hopeless, and likely only to make things worse.

He walked the miles between his father’s apartment and Sonny’s. He berated himself for his utter failure to handle his love for Sonny with anything resembling grace. He’d seen Sonny, yanked him into his bed, then just blithely followed his dick’s lead in starting a relationship, regardless of his complete awareness of the potential consequences. And now he’d gone and fallen in love, and the consequences were even worse than he’d feared. Worse, much worse, Mike’s recklessness had hurt the man he loved in ways he might suffer from all his life. And it was too late to change any of it.


	5. Truth and Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike Dodds has come out to his father, who threw him out of his apartment, vowing to destroy his career, as well as that of his boyfriend, Sonny Carisi. Mike, Sonny, and their boss Olivia Benson wait for the blow to fall.

Mike and Sonny had maybe slept a couple of hours the night before. Mostly they clung together in Sonny’s bed, quietly making plans for the demise of their careers. Mike couldn’t stop apologizing, no matter how many times Sonny asked him to. When Olivia arrived, the walk from Mike’s desk to her office felt like the walk to the electric chair. He couldn’t control what his father and the NYPD would do, but he could at least be the one to tell Olivia it was coming. He liked and respected her, and he owed her that much.

Without asking, he stepped into her office and closed the door. She looked up as she sat down in her desk chair, surprised.

“Dodds, something going on?”

“Yeah, Lieutenant, there is. And I wanted you to hear it from me. It’s not good.”

Olivia waved toward one of the chairs before her desk. “OK. So tell me.”

“I think you suspect some of it. And I’ve appreciated your discretion. I’ve been careful to give you plausible deniability…” He stumbled a bit on that phrase, flashing back to his conversation with his father the night before.

“You’re talking about you and Carisi.”

“Yes. And I’m here to officially disclose our relationship to you, and to the Department. I recognize that it’s a serious breach of policy, because I’m his superior officer. I shoulda left the minute it started. Actually, I should never have started it in the first place. I’m prepared to take the consequences.”

“Dodds, we don’t get to choose who we love. And I’m guessing we’re talking about love here?”

“We are. It’s serious between us. It feels… permanent.”

Olivia smiled, although the worry lines in her forehead remained. “I’m happy for you. Both of you.”

“Yeah, thanks. Me, too. But you know the fallout is gonna be bad. Because there’s something else.”

“Let me guess. Your father knows.”

“And he’s probably in Chief Waverly’s office right this minute, torching both our careers. I don’t know how exactly this works, but I expect some brass to come in here, sooner rather than later, and drag both of us out of here.”

Olivia sighed heavily and looked at the ceiling. “Probably not Carisi. I’ve seen this before, and the supervisor gets fired, but not the subordinate. They get censured, get some punishment, but not fired. I think Carisi will be OK.”

“Thank God. I can live with whatever he does to me, but I can’t live with wrecking his life just because I’m a coward.”

“You’re not a coward, Mike. There’s nothing about this that’s easy. For what it’s worth, the times I’ve seen this, the couple got caught. Part of the punishment was because they didn’t disclose. So I don’t know what might happen here.”

“Thanks, Liv. Really. I appreciate your understanding, and your support. But I’m pretty sure it’s too late now. And I want to make sure none of this gets on you, so I’m disclosing to you now, and I’m willing to accept whatever you decide, until they come to get me.”

“It’s not as if they tie you up and parade you through the streets in a tumbril, Dodds. That much has changed. You haven’t committed any crime.” Olivia was thoughtful for a while, then sat up a bit straighter and clasped her hands on the table. “Look, I expected you to come in here at some point and tell me about this, and ask for a transfer. I even made a few calls. So I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna go forward from here. You’ve officially disclosed, I’m officially shocked and you’re officially strongly rebuked. As of this moment, Carisi reports directly to me. You are no longer his supervisor. You don’t partner on calls, and you behave with absolute professionalism at all times. OK?”

“Of course.”

“Meanwhile, Chief Dodds is just gonna have to do what he’s gonna do. I’ll start transfer paperwork.”

“Thank you. So much.”

Olivia looked as him fondly. “The people I called, they were very interested in you, by the way. You’re a good cop, with an outstanding record and a great reputation. You mentioned the Emergency Service Unit, and with your Special Forces background, Chief Clatsop was drooling. I’m surprised he hasn’t contacted you and tried to steal you away before now. If you’re interested, I’ll get in touch with him. They also want you in Homicide, and Brooklyn SVU.”

“Well, if this was a real choice, I’d want ESU. So I guess, I’m formally requesting a transfer to ESU. For what it’s worth.” Mike was close to tears. As private as he was, Olivia knew he didn’t want to break down in front of her, although she would have respected him for it and supported him through it. 

“OK. That’s the plan, then. And listen, Sergeant. You are a fine police officer. You’ve been good for this unit, and for me. I don’t know if I can stop whatever your father might do. But I want you to know I intend to try. I know absolutely that you’ve been nothing but professional and objective with Carisi at work, and I would expect the other detectives to say the same thing. Right?”

“Right, Lieu. I fucked up, but I never did anything or made any decisions that would shame the department. You have my word.”

“That’s good enough for me. Go out there and get to work. Remember the rules, and let’s just see what happens. I’ve got your back, and Carisi’s, too. I’m not going to let either of you go down without a fight.”

“Thank you. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.” He stood and moved to leave, but stopped with his hand on the doorknob. 

“Something else?” Olivia asked.

“Look, I know I’m not in a position to ask for any favors, but… If it comes down to me or him, I’d appreciate it if you let the blow fall on me if you can. He didn’t do anything wrong. It was all me.”

“Understood.” Even in this crappy, very serious situation, Olivia felt a warmth hearing that, and seeing the look in Dodds’ eyes as he said it. He really was in love. Of course he had to transfer, that was simply appropriate, just, and prudent. But punishing someone for feeling the way Dodds did was just wrong.

Mike shared a look with Sonny as he returned to his desk, but could only smile weakly. Everything was all right. For now.

It felt like the longest day of Mike’s life. He could see in their postures, and feel in the distracted, disjointed way they were working, that both Olivia and Sonny were feeling it, too. It wasn’t long before Amanda and Fin, having shared with each other their sense that something was very wrong, approached Mike.

“Sarge, can we have a minute?” Fin asked, standing next to Amanda in front of Mike’s desk.

“Of course. What do you need?”

Fin jerked a thumb toward an interrogation room. “Step into my office.”

Mike really didn’t want to have this conversation, but he’d expected it. He followed the detectives into the room and stood with them just inside the closed door.

Amanda began. “We know something’s wrong. Can you tell us what it is?”

It took Mike a moment to find words. “I’ve just disclosed to Lieutenant Benson that I’ve been having a relationship with a subordinate. Which is a serious violation of NYPD policy. I’ve requested an immediate transfer and, uh… I expect to be disciplined.”

Fin shook his head. “We ain’t seen nothin’ inappropriate. And we’ll say that. I get why you have to transfer, but if they try to discipline you, we’ll back you. We’re the ones who would be harmed if you were favorin’ Carisi or anything, so…”

“I appreciate that, Fin. More than you know. But I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.”

“Well, is Carisi gonna be in trouble?” Amanda asked.

“Liv says not much, but… I guess we’ll have to see. Anyway, we shouldn’t talk any more about this. I don’t want things to get any worse than they already are, and you do not want to be anywhere near this.”

“Well, just let me tell you,” Amanda jumped in quickly, “I get that this sucks for you, but I’m happy for you and Carisi. You seem really happy.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Me, too, man,” Fin added. “Ain’t like it’s been a secret, and I like you two together. Maybe it won’t be as bad as you think.”

“That’d be nice, but I’m not expecting that.”

“Well, whatever happens, we’re behind you,” Amanda said as she opened the door.

Mike, Sonny, and Olivia shared more frequent and more confused looks the later it got. Every time someone walked into the squad room, they expected it to be Chief Dodds with maybe Chief Waverly and who knew who else, looking furious and making a scene as they escorted Mike, and possibly Sonny, from the building. It didn’t happen.

Mike had no idea what to think, or what to do, when the work day ended without any communication from his father, or any action by the NYPD. He wished the ax would just fall already. It was going to happen, and it was probably going to be brutal, so he just wanted to get it over with. 

But nothing happened the next day, either. Mike actually spoke aloud about the impending disaster as he rode the elevator downstairs at the end of that second day, asking Olivia, “Have you really heard nothing?”

“Nothing at all. And the way it works is, if you transfer somewhere so that the two of you have no contact in your duties, no disclosure is required. So I haven’t done anything with that, and I won’t until I get the paperwork back from ESU, accepting the transfer.”

“When will that be?”

“Normally, it can take weeks. But I asked Clatsop to hit the gas on this one. I didn’t tell him anything, but I hinted. I’m sorry if that was out of line.”

“Are you kiddin’? I expected to be burning at the stake right now. I appreciate everything you’re doing to try to help.”

At home, Mike and Sonny picked at dinner at the tiny table, too anxious to eat, and trying to figure out what to do.

“Do you think, could you call him? Go to his house?”

Mike shrugged. “I don’t know. I keep asking myself that. I don’t know if that would make it better or worse. Maybe he’s still trying to decide whether to burn us. If he hasn’t done it yet, I sure as hell don’t want to do anything to make him pull the trigger.”

“Amen to that. So we wait.”

“This sucks. I’m so-“

‘If you apologize one more time, I’m gonna…”

“Yeah?” Mike found a grin for Sonny even in this situation. 

“I’m too freaked out to plan revenge right now. But just stop apologizing. It feels like you’re sorry you love me.”

Mike took his hand. “I’m not sorry I love you. First of all, I couldn’t help it. And second, loving you is the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, second best.”

“Second best? What the hell! What’s first?”

“You loving me.”

Sonny relaxed. “Oh. That’s OK, then.”

“Let’s clean this up.” Mike stood and began to clear the dishes, with Sonny right behind him. It didn’t take long. As soon as they were done, Mike stood behind Sonny at the sink as he hung up the dishcloth and turned him around, taking him into his arms.

“Babe, I know this sucks right now. But you gotta know how much I love you. You really are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Even though I make you talk about yucky feelings and shit?”

“That is a pain in the ass, but you make up for it with… your ass.”

They chuckled as they kissed. “Speaking of your ass…” Mike murmured, and led Sonny into the bedroom. He was feeling afraid, and anxious, and he knew Sonny was, too. But for some reason, Sonny seemed less on edge than he was. He laid Mike down on the bed and, leaning on an elbow above him, kissed Mike and slowly, gently undressed him. 

“I love you,” Sonny whispered when Mike was naked, taking his cock into his hand. “I don’t care what happens, as long as you’re here with me.”

Mike was surprised by a tear as he hugged Sonny to him, hard. “Oh, Babe, I love you so much. You’re worth anything that happens. I love you…”

As emotional and overwhelmed with love as he was, Mike quickly became distracted from his deeper feelings by Sonny’s luxurious stroking. He was a little surprised when he felt Sonny lean over to take the lube from the bedside table. Sonny sat up and quickly pulled his shirt and sweats off, then returned to rubbing Mike’s cock up and down.

As he often did when they made love, Mike sighed Sonny’s name. The exquisite thrills he felt were one thing, but the fact that it was Sonny, _his_ Sonny, making him feel those things heightened his excitement immeasurably. Sonny kissed him long and deeply, taking the lead and regulating the depth and pressure of their contact. Mike felt like he had that first night, when Sonny had taken complete control of Mike, body and mind, with his lips. 

He felt Sonny’s lubricated fingertips caressing his puckered muscle, pressing softly inside. 

“Please, Baby, let me fuck you. Let me show you how I feel,” Sonny whispered huskily.

“Oh, fuck yeah…”

Sonny was in a hurry, apparently needing the physical connection as much as Mike did. He didn’t take as long to prepare Mike as he normally did on the rare occasions when he was the one who fucked Mike, and Mike couldn’t restrain the sharp intake of breath as Sonny pushed his cock into him. 

“I’m sorry! I’m hurting you-“

With his hands on Sonny’s hips, Mike held him where he was. “It’s OK, I’m fine… I want this. Just… give me a minute.” Looking into Sonny’s blue eyes, full of concern and love overlaid with lust made it easy for Mike to relax and pull Sonny all the way into him. Sonny let Mike set the pace, and it wasn’t long before Mike was bucking his hips, pushing and pulling with his hands to encourage Sonny to stroke in and out of him. 

“I love you, Sonny. Oh, my sweet Sonny, I love you…”

Sonny came looking at Mike and hearing Mike cry out his love for him. As always, the sounds he made drove Mike to the peak, but he stayed with Sonny through his climax until he felt him grasp his cock between them. It took maybe two strokes before Mike was shouting in ecstasy, coating both of them with hot seed.

The workweek was over. Of course, SVU was a seven-day a week operation, but the NYPD brass took weekends. Mike couldn’t understand what was happening. Every possible nightmare scenario, including the DA’s office putting together criminal charges against him, ran amok in Mike’s head. Not to mention that he just missed his dad. They texted and called every few days, and Chief Dodds was often in the squad room, checking in or there to deliver instructions of some kind. But since Mike had come out to him and told him that he was in love with Sonny, it was as if his father had fallen off the face of the earth. Mike wondered if this was his life now, if his father was lost to him. He felt sad and lonely, on top of the constant, grinding pressure of waiting for the inevitable destruction of his NYPD career. It was excruciating. 

The next day, a Saturday, Sonny was on call and had been called to the scene of a date rape. Mike took the opportunity to begin to pack his small apartment in preparation for moving. He couldn’t help hearing Sonny’s voice as he looked around and the few rooms, realizing that he had been right. There was very little of Mike here. The few things he’d bothered to put on the walls had been gifts that he’d displayed out of a sense of obligation as much as finding them enjoyable to look at. There were a few pictures he’d bought for himself, but they were things he’d just selected because he needed pictures for his walls. They meant nothing to him, and said nothing about him.

He heard a quiet knock on his door, the person rapping only twice, as though almost hoping he wouldn’t answer. Taking the few steps across his living room, he opened the door to find his father standing there wearing expensive sportswear that was designed much more for looks than actual physical activity. He looked tired. The bags under his eyes were dark and he seemed pale and somehow… diminished. As though he’d been very ill. Mike felt a stab of self-hatred for doing that to his father, a man with whom Mike certainly had his struggles, but who was, at bottom, his dad, who loved him as much as Mike loved his dad. 

“Dad. Hi.” Mike said, hoping he sounded more pleased than surprised to see him. He stepped aside, in hopes his father would want to come in. 

William entered the apartment, his pristine over-groomed persona a little incongruous in the cramped, dingy space. “You moving out?” He asked.

“Uh… yeah.” Mike thought the less said about himself and Sonny Carisi living together, the better.

But his father surprised him. “Are you moving in with Detective Carisi?”

His voice held no venom. It was cautious and carefully controlled, but calm. 

“Yes.” 

Looking around Mike’s tiny apartment could only keep William occupied for so long. He seemed not to know what to do with his hands. For a moment, Mike and his father simply stood uncomfortably, with no idea what to say. Mike had no idea whether his father was there to condemn and revile him, or just to explain what would happen to Mike and Sonny’s jobs with the NYPD, or something else. 

“Do you want a beer?” Mike asked. It was a reflex, but he also suddenly really needed a beer. Of course, his father didn’t drink beer, but it was all Mike had. 

“Love one,” William answered, sounding relieved. “Thanks.”

That was odd. Mike wasn’t sure whether he could use it as a basis for hope, and was afraid to. 

William accepted the bottle from Mike and moved to sit stiffly on the edge of Mike’s couch. “I always hated this sofa,” he commented. “Too hard.”

Mike grinned and sat on the only other option in the room, a faded recliner at an angle to the couch.

“Guess you don’t want to buy it, then. It’s for sale on Craigslist.”

“I’ll pass, thanks.” 

They each took long pulls from their beers in the awkward silence that followed. Finally, William looked at his son with false cheer and said, “Your mother says hello.”

Mike was shocked. “You talked to Mom? Is everything OK?”

“Well, our son’s just announced that he’s gay and in love with another man. I couldn’t think of who else to talk to.”

That stung a little.

“I’m surprised you thought of her. You hate Mom.”

“I don’t hate her. She drives me crazy. But she’s still your mother.”

“So, what did she say?”

“We were on FaceTime. She clapped her hands like a schoolgirl and said ‘Oh, that’s marvelous.’ I have no idea why, but she’s tickled pink by the whole thing.”

Mike’s smile had nothing to do with the situation, it was simply his only possible reaction to his flighty, ridiculous mother. He loved her, but he didn’t understand her any more than his father did. Mike would never understand what had attracted them to each other, or how they had possibly sustained a marriage for long enough to have two sons. 

“I should have told her myself,” Mike said.

“You should have told me, too. Long before now. Why didn’t you?”

“Laziness. And cowardice. At first it was just too hard, and then I just didn’t want to deal with it. I know that was unfair of me, and I’m sorry.”

“Well, after the things I said, I’d say we’re even, wouldn’t you?”

Mike didn’t know how to respond to that. Was his father really saying that he regretted the things he’d said? That those things weren’t what he really felt?

“I’m not a bigot. And I’m not anti-gay. I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it. But I could’ve told you that, if you’d asked.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry for the things I said. Both about you, and about your… boyfriend.” William was getting used to the idea of Mike dating a man, but he was going to have to learn a whole new set of terminology.

“I fucked up, Dad. Not in loving Sonny, I’m not gonna apologize for that, but professionally. I know better than to have anything to do with a subordinate, and I let you down.”

“Yes, I’m not particularly happy about that. And we’re gonna have to deal with it. But that’s not why I’m here.”

“Oh.”

There were tears in William’s eyes as he said, in a voice cracking with emotion, “I’m here to make sure I don’t lose my son.”

“Dad…” 

They stood and hugged for a long time. Mike was pretty sure his father was crying, and he didn’t want to embarrass him, so he hugged him until he felt him relax a bit. It was strange, in a way. They weren’t huggers. He couldn’t remember the last time his dad had hugged him. Maybe graduation from the Police Academy. When they sat back down, they drank their beers for a moment, feeling awkward and uncomfortable in the moment. Mike would call them close, but that closeness did not take the form of emotional displays. For a second, he contrasted himself and his father with Sonny’s loud, demonstrative family and felt a glow of love for both. 

“You’re not gonna lose me, Dad. You can hate me if you have to, cut me out of your life. But I’m not going anywhere.”

“That’s not going to happen, Son. You sucker-punched me, and I reacted badly. I didn’t see this coming, not in any way, although your mother says she’s always known. I don’t know how to have a gay son. I don’t know how to talk to my son’s boyfriend, or even how to talk _about_ my son’s boyfriend. You didn’t give me any time to get used to the idea. As far as I knew, you were… well, all the stereotypes. Big, athletic, military, a cop… And I’ve only ever seen you with girls. You only ever _let_ me see you with girls. You didn’t give me a fair shot, Mike.”

“That’s what Sonny said.”

“Did he make you tell me?”

“No. Circumstances did. Things are serious between us, Dad. I love him. We’re moving in together. I had to do something at work, and I didn’t want you to find out from anyone but me.”

William nodded.

“Dad, I should have told you. I know I should have. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you, and it wasn’t that I’m ashamed. I do trust you, and I’m not ashamed. It’s just… I don’t like to talk about myself much.”

“You’ve always been like that. But I thought you talked to me.” 

“I did. I do. I know this is huge. Sonny says I let you love a son who doesn’t exist, and he’s right. But I swear, this is it. I’m not keeping anything else from you. I am who you think I am. Except for this.”

William grinned ever so slightly. “’Sonny says.’ I think I’ve heard you say that a hundred times between the other night and today. It’s really serious.”

“Yeah. It is. And you’d love him too, if you knew him.”

“Your mother says that’s what I need to do. She told me to, and I’m quoting here, ‘get your butt over to Mike’s and apologize for being such a horse’s ass, and then meet his boyfriend and call me with a full report.’ End quote.”

Mike laughed with his father, and it felt wonderful.

“One conversation with your mother per decade is enough. You’re giving her your own report. I’m out of it.”

When they finished laughing, Mike said, “I disclosed to Lieutenant Benson. She removed me from supervising Sonny, and barred us from partnering on cases or investigations. I formally requested a transfer.”

“I know. I talked to her this morning.”

“You did?”

“I did. And I’ll make sure it happens ASAP. But ESU is a mistake. You’ll have much more visibility at Homicide. And if you go to Brooklyn SVU, I’ll still be your Deputy Chief, which-“

“No, Dad.”

“What no? You gotta think strategically, Son.”

“No, I don’t. Please. With all due respect, your ‘five-year plan’ is _your_ five-year plan. And I know I never said anything, but it’s not what I want.”

William looked stunned. “It’s not?”

“I’m sorry, Dad. It’s not. I’m just not as ambitious as you are. I’d rather be happy.”

“And ESU would make you happy?”

“I don’t know until I get there. But happier than Homicide, or the Joint Terrorism Task Force. And for sure happier than Brooklyn SVU.”

“Well, why the hell didn’t you tell me this before?”

“I told you. I don’t like talking about myself. And I didn’t want to disappoint you. But I’m told that I’m not doing anyone any favors just going along like that. In order to get what I want, I need to know what I want, and then go for it.”

“Let me guess. Detective Carisi again?” This time, William’s smile was genuine.

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s right.”

“I know. So, Dad, let me tell you what I want. First, I want to be myself in every aspect of my life. Which means being openly gay. I don’t know how comfortable you are with that, but-“

“Give me a chance. I might surprise you.”

Mike smiled. “You are so far.”

“I told you, I’m not anti-gay. And I’m proud of you, Son. That doesn’t change because of your… orientation. I’ll look any SOB in the eye and tell him how proud I am. And dare him to have a problem with you.”

“Like you’ve always done.”

“Absolutely.”

“And the second thing I want is to be with Sonny Carisi. I don’t deserve a guy like that, I don’t know what he’s doing with me, but I want everyone to know we’re a couple.”

“After you get transferred.”

“Well, right. After that. And the third thing I want is to make my own path at NYPD. I love you, I’m proud to be your son, and I will always need your advice and guidance. But I want to make my own decisions. My own mistakes.”

Of all the things Mike was asking for, this one was hardest for William. Mike had known it would be. 

“I’ll try not to interfere. I only want you to succeed.”

“I know. And if anyone knows how to do that, it’s you. I appreciate everything you’ve done, it’s just… success for me is about more than rank. It’s about enjoying my work. Besides which, work isn’t as important to me as it is to you. I have the love of a pretty amazing guy. I want to focus on that.”

“OK.”

Mike did a double take. “OK?”

“Yeah. OK. You’re a grown man. You turned out good. I can’t promise I’m always going to be able to keep from grabbing the wheel. But I’ll try. It actually might be nice to stand down from trying to stage-manage your career. It’ll be interesting to see what you do.”

Mike could hardly believe this conversation had happened. He could hardly believe this whole past week had happened. He felt somehow reborn, as if he’d been encased in a shell forever and was now crawling out, to explore the world. In a real sense, he was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The End~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
